Instantly Sick To My Stomach

I’m sure we humans all have something that befuddles us almost beyond words.  It will differ for each of us, of course.  At this point in time, for me, it is the gun debate that has begun as a result of the Connecticut mass shootings. What bothers me is that I thought the fact that little children were slaughtered would outrage everyone.  I foolishly, unconsciously maybe, expected every parent in this country would want to discuss changes to better protect children and THEIR right to go to school in complete safety. 

But we continue with the all or nothing thinking.  At least on one side; the gun advocates seem to be making the assumption that their guns will be taken away.  I wish they would wait and see what is proposed.  Maybe it is something, that for the sake of our children, with which they can agree.  I suspect not, however.  I am not hopeful. 

This morning while having coffee I wanted to research some statistics regarding guns in the U.S.  I know nothing, really.  I found an article that surprised me:  http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/gun-sales-spike-virginia-colorado-record-highest-background-174415554.html.  The fact that the same type of gun that Adam Lanza used to murder 6 and 7 year olds are the guns that are being purchased astounded me!  And the high capacity magazines and ammunition are in demand!   Are people assuming they will have to go to war against their fellow citizens and will need such weapons?  If they think they will be at war in their own communities wouldn’t they be satisfied to kill their neighbors with one shot?  Are they going to kill the neighbor’s children as well?  What does any of this mean?  I have absolutely no idea.  What I do know is that I became instantly sick to my stomach. 

A family friend from England was visiting this past summer.  She repeated several times that they do not understand our fascination with guns.  My response was that I did not understand it any more than she.  Upon remembering those conversations and reading about increased gun sales, I wanted to know more.  The figures are my best effort.  Let me give full and fair disclosure.  I do not consider myself a very good researcher.  Usually I ask Allan for help, or a good friend who was a librarian.  Not this time, but here is my best effort:

§  The U.S. has more retail gun stores than McDonald restaurants and grocery stores

• ü  14,098 McDonald restaurants
• ü  36,569 grocery stores
• ü  51,438 retail gun stores

§  272, 590 Americans were killed by firearms from 2000 through 2008.  I won’t present the statistics regarding children.  It is just too much to think about right now.

§  58,138 U.S. soldiers killed, wounded or missing  killed in the Vietnam War

§  6,622 U. S. military killed in both the Iraqi and Afghanistan wars

Please note that I mention only the American casualties here because of the current internal battle that is brewing.  The non-U.S. civilians, especially the children, innocently killed in these wars, are no less important than those of our own citizens.  A child killed anywhere in the world is grieved by parents, grandparents, siblings, extended family members, friends, just as here in America.  Each little one killed represents an obscenity to me. 

Statistics always raise more questions for me, which this time I am not going to think about or research.  I don’t see that as wise for my psychological diet, or even necessary.  To my way of thinking, were I to allow as much as a 10% margin of error, the numbers would still show an alarming story. 

I have learned that I know an awful lot of people who own guns; people I have known for years and I did not know that about them.  These are people I think the world of and respect.  That has not changed.  I do doubt they will be the ones racing to the gun stores, at least not to buy the same gun that was used in the Connecticut shootings and an abundance of ammunition.  At least I hope not.  What I do hope is that some of these gun owners will stand up and say, “Enough!  We can make some changes without infringing on our rights.”  I hope they lead the way.  We’ll see.

In the meantime, I have one other thing I wrote about this tragedy.  I don’t know what I will do about it for now.  I am not concerned about offending friends (although my friends are good about agreeing to disagree) because I have told no one I do this blog.  The real issue is that I have to make a real effort not to think about those little bodies.  I assume the parents did not get to view them.  With all my heart, I hope not. 

Having stumbled upon a picture of the type of gun used to commit the murders, I cannot imagine that the parents should see such a thing.  I hope they identified bodies by the required pink and purple, preferably sparkling article of clothing or shoes worn by the little girls and the shirt or shoes most likely worn by the little boys.  You know, the macho shirt or shoes that declares “I’m a boy; I’m strong; I’m a sports fan”, just whatever. 

See if you do not hope the same for the parents.

Empty Desks and No Words

“Dear Lord God!”  I’m pretty sure that was my response when Allan interrupted me Friday to tell me that at least 18 early elementary school aged children had been shot and killed.  I imagine that was the reaction of many people, whether they believe in God or not.  I say that because it does seem to me that we call on or to God when a tragedy strikes.  If I am correct about that, it is understandable, I think.  There are just some things that our human adult minds cannot grasp so we call out in the same way our children call out to us for explanation and comfort.  Except here there is no explanation and certainly no comfort. 

It made me just sick to my stomach, of course, as it did many others, I’m certain.  It was difficult to get a deep breath at times.  And I was angry.  I had no direction for that anger, but I wished for one.  I could only imagine the anger and frustration the parents of the children who did not survive were feeling or will feel at some point in time.  Losing a child is a terrible pain.  I don’t even understand why they have to get seriously ill, much less die, especially in any abusive or tragic way.  But to have that little life destroyed by another; how does a parent not want to lash out? 

His/her child was in school, maybe having reading class.  Maybe s/he was in some type of art class and was happily coloring.  Maybe s/he was in gym class, running and giggling.  Or maybe the teacher was talking about seasons of the year and that winter was “officially” coming in a few days, no matter what the weather was that day.  It is very likely that most of the children’s families celebrate Christmas and they were getting excited, painfully waiting for the day to come.   Probably enough of them still believed in Santa Claus.  Little friends had been telling each other what was wanted for Christmas.  It is my personal hope that if there were any in the class whose family did not celebrate Christmas that the children had been encouraged, both at home and at school, to be sensitive and considerate of those whose lives were different in any way.   I hope they were already learning to be inclusive.  No doubt, or course, at least one or two were having trouble staying focused and on task, for whatever reason.  Their teacher had their school day planned.  It did not include trying to save their lives. 

Shortly after 5 AM Saturday morning I wanted to know if there were any updates on this unfathomable and immeasurable loss of life.  I read about the brother and the original report, which incorrectly said it was he who had done the killing.  I read about Mayor Bloomberg saying that now is the time to talk about gun control.  I read about the vigils. 

I learned about the principal who they believe lunged at the gunman and began to yell a warning.  She lost her life.  I learned about other staff who attempted to stop him, resulting in other lives lost.  I learned about the teacher who hid her students to prevent them from being found.  They survived; she did not.  I learned about the little boy who was pulled to safety from the hallway by another teacher.  I learned about the teacher who tried to distract and occupy the students by having them color while keeping them in a confined space. 

“Dear Lord God!”  Even if this were my reaction at first learning this horrible news, I repeat it now.  I simply don’t know what else to say.  It is too much for my heart to hold; it renders me unable to think of appropriate words.  It stuns me.  It saddens me.  It sickens me.  It angers me. 

Allan created the following and offered it to me for whatever I was writing.  It is, to my way of thinking, a perfect and beautiful memorial to 20 six and seven year olds who went off to school on a Friday morning, hopefully as completely carefree as we want them to be at that age.  There are simply no words that better capture what has transpired and what families must now try to endure. 

Listing To The Right

The two lists that follow were created in response to the post of another blogger in which he shares his observations about the state of religion.  As a Christian I wish I could disagree with his assessment, but my observations are, in fact, the same as his.  I thought his example of just how insensitive and self-absorbed we Christians can be was very apt.  He said, “Mind you, many beliefs are innocuous. I mean to say, if someone wants to believe that God provides them a parking spot in their town while he lets children starve somewhere else, I guess it doesn't exactly hurt anyone. It may be inane to the nth degree, but it's most likely harmless.”   I personally fail to see how anyone who has been around Christians could disagree.  I, for one, have certainly been around other Christians who respond to the most ridiculous things with “Thank-you Jesus!”  It is almost as if they see God as their personal servant, just waiting to bless them with whatever small thing they might want.  I agree with this other blogger; I think we should be far more concerned with those who need the basics to survive. 

My Understanding Of What We						What We And Our Christian
Christians Should Be						"Leaders" Have Been On Far
(Or At Least Try To Be)						Too Regular A Basis
C	Compassionate, caring, constructive,					C	Close-minded, condescending,
	considerate, cooperative, consistent						critical, callous, contemptible,
H	Helpful, honest						cold, cruel
R	Reliable, reasonable, rational,					H	Hateful, harmful, harsh, hardened,
	reliable, reasonable, rational						hawkish, haughty
I	Insightful, intuitive, interested in					R	Rude, rejecting, ruthless, repulsive
	others and their welfare, impartial,					I	Inflexible, insufferable,
	independent						inconsiderate, impatient, idolatrous
S	Selfless, self-sacrificing, straightforward						of: the U.S. Constitution,
T	Teachable, tender, trustworthy						America's founding fathers,
I	Inviting of conversation, interested						country and wealth
	in facts and reality, inclined toward					S	Stingy, stubborn, severe,
	forgiving						spiteful, slanted toward bias and
A	Attentive, approachable, anti-war,						prejudice
	altruistic, affirming, appealing, aware					T	Theocracy-minded, two-faced,
	of our own  shortcomings, aware						tactless, thoughtless, territorial
	of the universality of humanity					I	Insistent on having things our way,
N	Noble, negotiators of peace						inattentive, inhospitable, incon-
S	Sincere, sensitive, sympathetic						sistent, ineffectual, irrational
						A	Angry, arrogant, accusatory,
							abrasive, averse to conversation,
							adversarial, all or nothing
							thinking
						N	Nasty, negative, narrow-minded
						S	Stand-offish, self-centered, self-
							indulgent, self-gratifying, self-
							righteous, smugly moralistic

When creating these lists, I found the one on the right came to mind so much more readily.  I had only to think about what I’ve increasingly observed over the last number of years here in America.  Since Christians are supposed to be “fishers of men”, let’s assume for a minute that these two lists represent the two sides of a boat.  If we have too many more Christians flocking to the right side of this boat, not only will there be no “catch”, but the boat will capsize.  A lot more of us Christians need to get on the opposite side.  And from my perspective, we have to do it by thinking for ourselves.  I don’t seem to hear about too many of our Christian “leaders” encouraging us to do so.  

October and November Savings For The Children

In October we saved only $22.38 and in November $126.85.  My pantry needed some restocking; Thanksgiving meant a few special food purchases, so last month's total was better than in the last few months.  Also, I had a couple of things I gave up that I might have enjoyed but felt the money should be added to our savings instead.   

  

We rounded the October amount to $25 and the November amount to $130.  The October monies were to be multiplied 12 times by government grants and corporate matching funds. We requested the $300 be used to provide medicines for children here and in other countries.  

The November dollars multiplied 9 times. So $1,170 will be contributed towards any needs for children, whether it be food, medicine, winter clothing; just whatever.  It doesn't matter to us.  

Destination of Choice 2

In May of last year I posted “Destination of Choice”.  It dealt with the choices we have about how we live after a tragedy; we can become mired in self-pity and bitterness or we can make a conscious decision and effort to go anywhere but there.  I think the same is so very true of us corporately.  Today is Election Day.  We have been hearing from both sides of the political spectrum, and from varying political positions in between, that this election is of historical importance because it determines where we go as a nation; it determines the role of government; it most likely determines the future makeup of our Supreme Court.  But you know, I think there are decisions to be made with respect to the election’s outcome.  And there are decisions to be made that are independent (or most certainly should be) of the election; decisions that I personally believe to be of equal import.  No, maybe these decisions are of much greater consequence. 

The decision to be made regarding the election’s outcome is fairly straightforward, at least from my perspective.  We must decide how to respond if the side for which we have voted wins.  We can gloat with an equivalent of the childhood taunt “Na-nana-naa-nah!”, letting the “losing” side know there is no intention of being gracious and conciliatory; things will be our way and only our way.  Or we can be winners of integrity; making it clear that although we have won, we do NOT intend our winning to mean there can be no compromise or failure to respect the really good ideas of anyone with opposing ideas.  And, more to the point, we can mean that and actually proceed to work that way. 

Should our party of preference lose, we have similar choices.  We can be outraged, pout, and decide absolutely, under no circumstance, will we give an inch; the other side might have won, but they can try to get things done for the common good without any help from us.  Or, we can indicate our plan to continue the process by being willing to engage.  And then, we can actually do that. 

Whether we are on the “winning” or “losing” side should be irrelevant.  The resolution to act in a constructive way is one to be made not only as a political “side”, but individually in how we respond to those around us, our friends and family.  Being the voice of a peacemaker is not the responsibility of only those we elect.  In fact, I think the argument could be made that our individual responses have more effect.  Why?  Because our individual responses will set our expectations of how our leaders should react.  And if we insist on a reaction of integrity and cooperation, that should ultimately be beneficial and constructive for all of us.  

Okay, that all has to do with the election process and outcome.  In my first post “Destination of Choice” I maintained that as a family we could decide how to live after the loss of a child.  We could choose self-pity and/or bitterness.  Or we could choose to proceed with caution and avoid these two negative choices.  I said, “Shortly after Natalia’s death I said to my sister that I did not want us to get sensitive and assume/see hurt where it was simply not intended.  And actually, I wanted to overlook it if it did come…I wanted us to be very careful about choices made as a result of one of life’s horrible journeys I wish we had never had to take.  If nothing else, I saw that as in our best interest.  I continue to want us to be very careful and deliberate about our destination from here.  We do have a choice.”   

Now let me explain (or try to, anyway) what I said about decisions to be made that are independent of and of more weight than decisions centered on the election itself.  From my perspective, we have the same decision as a nation to make as individuals whose life experiences include a major, life-altering loss; the same decision I spoke about above and in that first post. 

Let’s go back to 9/11, but only as a starting point.  Because that’s exactly what I think it was.  Obviously, that was a frightening and devastating loss.  We saw people holding hands and jumping out of windows many stories above ground.  We saw what we had previously only seen in model-sized or computer-generated movie scenes, the complete collapse of huge buildings.  We saw real-life scenes of people running for their very lives, not knowing what was happening. We heard of airline passengers calling loved ones to say they were loved, to say goodbye.  We heard the stories of airline travelers, regular people, who did battle with other “passengers” in an effort to prevent the takeover of the plane and thereby insuring its destruction and that of those aboard.  Until that time, that kind of in-air suspense and drama had been our entertainment, in movies like “Air Force One”, for example.  I do not want to leave out or minimize the tragedy experienced by workers in the Pentagon and their families, but I've made my point, I think.  

Unlike many of our individual life tragedies, we had someone to blame for 9/11.  Responsibility was proudly announced by those who did not mind killing innocent people; people who were just going about their everyday lives; people who had no power to make the political decisions against which the anger of those guilty was directed.  I know from personal experience that it is easy to think a tragedy could be made easier (I find it difficult to say it would be completely accepted.) if there were an understanding of why it had to happen.  Having an explanation and someone to blame can perhaps be helpful both mentally and emotionally, I imagine.  But very much like chemotherapy, it can also be very toxic.  Chemotherapy can, in due course, be life-saving.  Yet, it killed my friend Ruth; her body could not take the poison that is chemotherapy.  The “comfort” (if it should be called as such) provided by an explanation and someone to blame can quickly and so easily morph into something that can either severely damage our corporate sense of fairness and compassion, if not completely and utterly kill both.  When (I personally feel that given where we are, it is more accurate to say “when” and NOT “if”.) that happens, I do not see how it can matter which political party is in power, or what our determination about what government should be.  We will have become no different than the enemy against which we rail.  We will hate indiscriminately, just as they do.  We will throw blame to those who had little or no power regarding political decisions that were hurtful to some.  It will not bother our collective national conscience if some pay the price for what they personally and individually did not do; for what they perhaps did not approve.  We will cease to see people as separate from their group (or what we determine to be the group to which they belong); all will be judged on the few.  And we will justify that in the same way those guilty of 9/11 did; focusing on the wrong done to us.  We will be judge and jury in exactly the same way al-Qaeda was when they decided to set the attacks in motion.  And once hate has taken over, the political power and the policies which feed our hate will be those we choose.

However, the explanation and resulting blame for 9/11 as a poison could be controlled.  It did not, and does not have to continue becoming an ever more wide-spread and more lethal toxin.  We had, and have, two choices:  to blame and direct our anger towards ONLY those truly responsible, those who were involved in the decision to plot and carry out the attacks; or to blame, be angry towards, and begin to hate any and all who have anything in common with the guilty, be it through religion, nationality, world geographical region, just whatever. 

It does seem to me that we, thus far, have chosen the second of these two possibilities.  We have political leaders and religious leaders who aggressively malign all Muslims and people with the coloring which seems to indicate they might come from the Middle East.  I know individuals who think “they’re coming here to kill us”.  I know people who get on a plane and look around to see if any such “types” are also on the plane.  Allow me to share a recent example.

I attended the annual Halloween party of a friend a few weeks ago.  It was a smaller party than usual, which I liked; more intimate and conducive to shared conversation.  Since my friend had just returned from a mission’s trip to Mexico, the topic of air travel came up.  My friend admitted that she and another friend always look around to check out their fellow passengers.  She and the friend apparently have some name they use to refer to anyone who “looks like” he could be the terrorist.  (That is actually one of many things I love about this friend; she is open and honest.  You know where she stands on things, even if you do not agree.  Another is that she can agree to disagree.)  “Really?”, I asked.  “That was 2001.  It’s been 11 years.”  Not too much to my surprise, but a little, others spoke up, totally agreeing that they did the same and had the same concerns about who was on a plane with them. Only a retired airline pilot, whom I did not know, was able to relate an incident that illustrated how ridiculous some regulations have become.  I understood that.  It was a specific case, something someone truly HAD experienced; something that had no connection to a particular group of people.       

In fairness, I understood to a very small degree the fear you can have.  Allan and I flew from Buffalo to Atlanta ten days after 9/11.  The plane was practically empty.  I did look around at the other passengers.  I was afraid.  But, to the best of my memory, that is the only time I have done that.  I HAVE, on a couple of occasions, looked around to see if there are any young, strong guys on the plane.  I truly don’t remember caring what they looked like.  To me, the one with the darker skin could be the guy to save us.  The potential threat could be a crazy guy who is white and hates the US government, passionately.  So, I just wanted to see a decent number of young, strong-looking guys, period.  

The people with whom I disagreed (although I said nothing more) are people I like and respect; a lot.  Their opinions did not change in any way my regard and respect for them.  But it did generate some thoughts and questions in my mind about how intelligent, reasonable, kind, generous people can be drawn into assumptions about any and all people who look a certain way.  That’s when I began to consider the decisions we have made and continue to make in response to 9/11.  I have to say that I’d like to see us make a different choice.  I think it would be far healthier if we choose NOT to become bitter towards an entire group of people; far healthier if we choose NOT to be controlled by fear; far healthier if we choose to do what we say we believe in, consider someone innocent until proven guilty.

As I’ve been suggesting here, we do have a choice about where our collective, national attitude towards  and respect for others will go.  Its impact on us will be great.  If we doubt that, we need only study and consider the impact on Germany when just one voice gained an audience; one voice insisting on the hatred for and discrimination against one group of people.  I’ve been hearing an awful lot about the “exceptionalism” we Americans enjoy.  I’ll show self-discipline and for this post only say that we need to remember we would NOT be in any way exceptional when it comes to hatred.  No group would.  But, since we call ourselves a Christian nation, we should be especially aware of how all human hearts have the same capacity for what we call evil.  And we do believe hatred to be evil, do we not?  Something to think about, I hope.  

Something Special For My Thanksgiving List

We’re on the train.  We are on our way.  Where?  Why, to the middle of a field to buy a hotdog and have some pennies flattened, of course!.  The day is sunny and the temperature mild.  And everyone seems to be loving every minute of it, as am I.  

I’m in Western New York for my aunt’s memorial service.  I had planned the trip so as to arrive a day and a half before the day of the service and get to stay three days afterwards.  And looking around at the sweet, happy faces of my sister’s granddaughters I am SO glad I did.  I am sitting on the aisle side of the seat.  Next to me, by the window is Maddy, who is in first grade.  In the seat facing us are Abby, my sister’s oldest grandchild, and Maddy’s big sister, the third grader and Avery, only 3 weeks younger than her cousin Abby.  (Their fathers are twin brothers.)  Next to Avery, having the window seat is Jillian, Abby and Maddy’s 4 year old sister.  On my lap is 5 month old Emma, the baby sister of Abby, Maddy, and Jillian.  My sister’s two grandsons aren't with “us girls”.  Gavin the 2 year old and lonely brother of Abby, Maddy, Jillian and Emma is with daddy, mommy and his grandparents.  Eli, Avery’s baby brother, not yet two, went to the farmer’s market with his mommy.  They will come later to Grandma’s house for pizza.  So, as I said, it’s just us girls. 

We talk school, our favorite foods, our favorite colors, etc.  I, Aunt Jeannie, learn new stuff; favorite books and movie characters, most of which I know nothing about.   The girls are more than glad to help get me in the know.  They are patient and explain things if I have to ask important follow up questions.  I make sure to turn my head to each one so as to acknowledge her contribution to the teaching I am receiving.  Did you know that you can learn an awful lot, even if everyone explains things to you at the exact same time?  And that’s even if you wear hearing aids!  And oh yeah, we are eating popcorn.  Today it doesn't matter if we eat popcorn in the morning, practically right before lunch.  And just let me tell you, that popcorn is good!

We arrive at the field.  There is a little building that is like what a train station used to be like; the kind that has no town or other buildings around it.  That’s where they sell the hotdogs.  And there are railroad tracks with another big steam engine sitting on them.  We can check it out.  “And guess what, Aunt Jeannie?  You can put a penny down on the extra tracks and that steam engine will back over all the pennies and they get totally flat!  It’s kind of awesome!” 

We have eaten our hotdogs, without too much catsup or anything on our shirts!  Gavin’s had to be broken in half because he couldn't hold it whole.  Then he still threw it on the ground!  But, he’s only two.  That’s what two year olds do sometimes. 

The train is about to back up and flatten the pennies.  Wow!!  It makes so much steam that you can’t see for a minute.  And the noise is LOUD! 

There are lots of flattened pennies on the tracks now.  We found all ours.  And Aunt Jeannie is going to take hers to show Uncle Allan.   In a few minutes we have to get back on the train.   None of us but Abby see her at first.   A girl, just a short distance from where we are gathered, is disappointed and crying.  She can’t find her penny.  Abby is already approaching the girl, her hand outstretched.  “It’s okay.  I have extra and you can have one.”  The little girl happily takes the penny offered.  She is NOT going home without that treasure of a flattened penny!

I am touched.  There isn't a split second of hesitation on Abby’s part.  I don’t even know how she saw the disappointed little girl among all these people.  But she did.  Good for her!

We all board the train for the return trip to the main railroad station.  This has been fun! On the train ride returning us from the railway stop the girls’ grandpa comes with his camera to take pictures of all of us sitting together.  Everyone gets to take a turn using the camera.  A man goes up and down the aisle playing an accordion and singing songs.  We all bask in the pleasure of the day.  We still have the pizza and ice cream to look forward to!  Avery’s daddy, her mommy and Eli are coming and we can all be together.  We discuss what we like on our pizza.  AND, by the way, we are having ice cream for dessert!  Favorite ice cream flavors and toppings are shared; each of us explaining why we like what we do.  Honestly, in that moment I can think of nothing more important than hearing personal Ice cream preferences.  I secretly hope that all the world leaders who attend peace conferences and economic summits also get to have this kind of ice cream seminar.  It would be beneficial to them personally, as a way to reduce stress.  But I would hope it would provide and/or reinforce the why for such world meetings; all those little faces.  I imagine it would help if they could picture those little faces smudged with various ice cream flavors, smiling delightedly in appreciation for not only the treat itself, but the fun of sharing it. 

The train ride, the hotdogs, the flattened penny, the pizza, and of course, the ice cream dessert, make for a great day.  BUT, getting to share those things with these beautiful, (And believe me when I say BEAUTIFUL!), friendly, kind nieces of mine is what really makes for a great day!!  In fact, it isn’t even Thanksgiving yet, but this day is going to be something I put on my list of extra special things to be thankful for!

  

June Through September Savings for the Children

Shame on me for being this far behind in giving an update on our savings regimen!  With much to do, both that which is necessary and that which I want to do, let me summarize the totals rather than present each of the last four months. 

We really did not need much and did very little shopping that resulted in the size savings we had seen for the first five months of the year.  Over the four months the savings totaled only a little over $175 which, once we rounded amounts up, actually totaled $180.  That $180 has resulted in $2,160 worth of benefits because we looked for gifts that multiplied as much as 12 times.  The dollars we gifted for the purchase of medicines and clothing.  With Fall and Winter perhaps coming quickly in some parts of the world, we thought warm clothing and medicines would be particularly needed. 

Less savings, but with minimal effort we feel pretty good about how we maximized that savings!