Letter to Franklin Graham

NOTE:  In the following letter I necessarily had to refer to Biblical references.  I see no other way to challenge the actions of a Christian leader without doing so.  However, the purpose of this post is not to force a religious viewpoint on anyone.  It is to voice my frustration at the behavior of an American Christian leader; to voice my opinion that we should expect actions and words to match professions of Christian faith.  It is my hope that the letter also points out what I see as a danger in allowing religious leaders, from whatever persuasion, of attempting to downplay dialogue, of portraying one viewpoint as correct and another as ignorant, and even attempting to influence the voting process.  

April 17, 2015

Mr. Graham,

I have neither expectation nor hope that you will ever see this letter.  I write it anyway.  I will feel better for having done so.  I want to be one of what I hope will be many Christians who decide to stand against how you live out your faith.

For quite a long time now I occasionally stumble upon news about you while searching for something else entirely.  And I have been both put off and baffled by your “conversation” and actions.  You speak so much about Jesus Christ.  But based on the only view I see, that of your public persona, I struggle to see any resemblance of Jesus in you.  I am trying very hard not to judge your faith as readily as you seem to judge that of others.   So I am not saying you do not have faith.  I am saying that although I might technically agree with much of your theology, it is my hope that I am living my life in such a way that it reflects the exact opposite of what you appear to stand for
.  
I recently learned that you were the guest on a talk show I do not watch and never intend to watch. However, wanting to listen for myself and form my own opinion, I googled the segment in which you took part.  In response to the question why do you think the world will not unite to stop ISIS, you stated that Muslims have infiltrated governments, especially in Washington, and are advising the White House.  When asked for the names of these Muslims your response was that you could get them, but that you did know they are there, that you had been told that by a number of people.  You quickly said that you were not saying “they” are whispering in the ear of the president.  You then continued to say they are in the halls and influence, are talking to staffers.  At that point you were interrupted by the show’s host so I do not know what your explanation/clarification, if any, was going to be.

Mr. Graham, making statements and accusations without being able to give supporting evidence is questionable, at best.  But as Christians do we not take seriously the Biblical admonition against bearing false witness?  While I am most certainly not saying that you are doing so, my question to you is still, how do you know “beyond a shadow of a doubt” that what you say is fact?  And if you cannot substantiate what you say, why would you take the chance of inadvertently bearing false witness by going on national television without unequivocal substantiation of what you say?  I further ask how and why you have contact with people in the White House?  Do these people just call you up to give you information about what is going on?  If so, why do they do so?  Or do you actively solicit reports?  And for you as well, I would ask, why?

Yet another observation I would like to make, Mr. Graham, is that you and others seem to be in the habit of confusing deductive and inductive reasoning.  Your broad, all inclusive statements about Muslims are an excellent illustration of this.  You take individual, specific examples of something and make broad, general conclusions.  In this case, you take the existence of one group of Muslims and make observations about that group applicable to all Muslims.  But such reasoning (I admit to having difficulty using this word in conjunction with such closed minded, intentional and self-serving conclusions as I believe yours to be.) can be very faulty.

To put it in other terms, Mr. Graham, let me give you an example of applying inductive reasoning to arrive at conclusions about us Christians.  Westboro Baptist Church of Kansas, by its name, aligns itself with the Christian faith.  According to their website’s home page, they believe “...the modern militant homosexual movement to pose a clear and present danger to the survival of America, exposing our nation to the wrath of God...”  Inductive reasoning could make untrue conclusions.  One might be as follows:  Westboro Baptist Church is a protestant church located in Kansas.   They believe homosexuality is the most obvious and present-day, at hand (clear and present) threat to America.  Using the inductive way of thinking I could easily determine that all protestant churches believe homosexuality (not terrorism, not ISIS) to be the threat we face.  A second, equally incorrect judgment based on only inductive thought could be that all Baptist churches believe homosexuality to be the imminent peril America faces.

I imagine you understand, Mr. Graham, that other resulting inductive conclusions could be made; about protestant churches in Kansas, about Baptist churches in Kansas, about protestant churches in the Midwest, etc.  I can only assume this pattern of thought is why, when asked about ISIS you answered about Muslims.  The two are synonymous to you.

I’d like to suggest that, just as vinegar added to a glass containing baking soda results in expanding bubbles, inappropriate use of inductive logic also expands, filling up the “container”, which in this case is the human mind.  But, unlike the bubbles in the glass which indicate a reaction that can be an excellent cleansing agent,  the “explosion” of thoughts resulting from such mistaken use of inductive theory can be destructive and corrosive in nature.

Your answer cast aspersions upon all Muslims, their religion, their purpose in life and their integrity. These are but a few of the negative undertones about Muslims evoked by your response. I mentioned earlier that I have difficulty seeing Jesus in you.  Here is a strong example of why I make such a bold statement.  Rather than use his public teachings to berate those scorned by the more “religious”, like the tax collectors, He ate with them.  He went into their homes.  In fact, those that He berated most often were the Pharisees, who thought they alone exemplified faith in God.

I have done my best, Mr. Graham, to ascertain whether or not you have reached out to Muslim leaders in your own country with the purpose of spending time with them in genuine discussion.  Thus far I have only found confirmation that “they” have invited you to engage in dialog; you have not approached them.  In fact, in remembrance of September 11th, 2001 Christian and Muslim leaders met in September 2002.  You were not there.  So, I have to say that I do not understand that.  Jesus, in His sermon on the mount, said “Blessed are the peacemakers.”

I believe I know what a possible response of yours would be.  You might say that immediately after that He said “Blessed are those who are persecuted for doing right.”  That is true.  However, I think, taken together, the two make sense.  I can be one who promotes peace, who encourages people getting along.  I might be persecuted for doing that.  If I am consequently victimized in any way for fostering peace, I can take comfort in the fact that I did what was right and therefore the reason for my maltreatment is commended by God.  I do not see where the verses infer any particular notice and approval by God if I am persecuted for doing the exact opposite, for doing nothing to pursue peace.  I personally think the full meaning of the message of these two verses is best seen when viewed as a causal relationship; my doing something good in the eyes of God might cause me to be discriminated against and intimidated.  It seems to me that you must see it from an entirely opposite point of view.  To me, your actions and speech give the impression that a Christian should attempt to avoid persecution by going on the offensive, by maligning one particular group.

Sadly, Mr. Graham, deciding to write this letter was not a result of just the interview to which I have been referring.  Two other actions of yours made me feel like I wanted to express my feelings towards your behavior.  One was how you responded to the shootings, both of blacks by policemen and of policemen in an apparent retaliatory action in the last year.  Your March 12th contribution to the public debate began as follows:  “Listen up - Blacks, Whites, Latinos, and everybody else.”  Although the subject matter about which you intended to speak is of critical importance, I wish to comment on only this portion of your opinion.

Do you really have no idea that beginning an opinion or thought with “Listen up” would, in many, if not most cases, immediately put people on the defensive?  Unless speaking to subordinates, such language is ill-chosen.  Used to address other adults over whom you have no authority is dismissive, condescending and insensitive.  I personally will go so far as to say that I find it arrogant, pompous pontificating.

As Christians we should know a number of Biblical principles cautioning us about the impact of our words, admonishing us to handle what we say with great care.  James 3:5-6 says “It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire.  A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that.  By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke, and go up in smoke with it, smoke straight from the pit of hell.”  My opinion seems fairly mild and generous by comparison, does it not?

Verse 17 in that same chapter three defines wisdom for us.  “Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others.  It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy...You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only (emphasis NOT mine) if you do the hard work (emphasis mine) of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.”  I like this verse best as translated in The Living Bible.  “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure and full of quiet gentleness.  Then it is peace loving and courteous.  It allows discussion and is willing to yield to others; it is full of mercy and good deeds...”  Verse 18 describes the result of adhering to such wisdom. “And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.”  Mr. Graham, if I think of your “Listen up” approach, it simply does not fit the Biblical description of wisdom.  I don’t see courtesy.  I most certainly do not see mercy towards those whose loved one was shot.  Whether you view the shooting as just or unjust should not be a factor.  Do we Christians not believe one of the attributes of God is mercy?  Is it not a quality that God also requires of His people?

That being my understanding and belief, let me take a look at the question of a shooting being just or unjust.  I’ll first assume you deem a shooting, any shooting, to be justifiable because the deceased did not stop, did not heed what the police were saying.  Let me even suppose that live video shows that the deceased person did, in fact, resist arrest; did attempt to flee.  So the family sees what you see.  But let me also make clear that the suspect carried no weapon.  Can you truly not imagine how that complicates the family’s grief?  In addition to loss, the family has to feel frustration and, at times anger, towards the loved one who, had s/he listened might be alive.  And, as a parent, wouldn’t it be fairly normal to wonder if you could have done anything differently so that the result of a confrontation with police would have your child, grown or not, able to walk away?  Wouldn’t it seem more appropriate then for a Christian to want to sit with those parents; to listen when they talk about the one they have lost; to cry with them?  Isn’t that what you would want if you were in the shoes of those parents?

Now let me consider the other scenario, a scenario that unfolds like that of Eric Garner’s.  There is a video that provides indisputable confirmation that an encounter with police results in an unjust death. The family’s grief is likewise complicated by frustration and anger; those feelings directed towards authority.  And, different from the first set of circumstances, the family wants to know what can be done to redeem the value of the life lost.  They can do something.  In such a case your chastising inflicts grief upon grief, frustration upon frustration and anger upon anger.  A national voice, a Christian voice of influence, ignores an opportunity to be a peacemaker; to offer consolation regardless the situation; to promote healing; to provide wisdom and guidance for discussion.  Instead that voice disdainfully implies the fault to lie with the deceased and / or the family.

 I wish I thought you would pause and consider this, Mr. Graham.  But, straightforwardly, your comments seem so hardhearted that I am not sure you would even give my questions a fleeting thought.  

I’ve already stated that I personally do not see how your comments in any way parallel the Biblical description of wisdom.  Let me anticipate the argument of some.  They are going to say that the book of James was written to Jewish Christians.  My understanding is that is true.  However, does not the description of wisdom sound exactly like how Jesus conducted Himself?   The book of James describes it.  Jesus lived it.

There are several other actions of yours, Mr. Graham, that have nothing to do with your theology.  Before I mention those I would like to cite one last Bible verse, James 1:26.  The NIV and TLB are somewhat less direct because they use the third person.  “Those who consider themselves religious yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves and their religion is worthless.” (NIV)  “Anyone who says he is a Christian but doesn’t control his sharp tongue is just fooling himself, and his religion isn’t worth much”. (TLB)  I think New Living Translation says it best because it speaks directly to us, the reader:  “If you claim to be religious, but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself and your religion is worthless”.  (Emphasis all mine.)  Regardless of which translation, it is clearly stated that there is a direct correlation between the usefulness of one’s religion and his/her speech.  To my way of thinking this verse goes hand in hand with the warning about potential destruction caused by our words.  On the one hand our speech can render our beliefs fruitless, of no help to anyone.  Our convictions will be viewed as flat, hollow nothingness.  On the other hand, our choice of words, the timing of our words and the tone of our words can go far beyond this.  Our speech can take our faith from ineffectual to destructive.  In my opinion, Mr. Graham, you appear to be working hard, not at getting along, not at pursuing peace, but in creating a path of hurt, misunderstanding, and fear.  You are actually planting seeds of war.  How?  By predicting that it is coming to us and encouraging Christians to be ready for it. You are setting the stage, when you could be helping to write a whole new play with dialogue reflecting wisdom and goodwill.

Although it has taken considerable time and effort to write to you, I do still have a little more to say, things I know will never be seen by you, much less read.  But I feel a need to take a stand.  I want to separate myself from you and other Christians who seem to be conforming to the political world just as it is and has been.    Notice I said political world.  Should there not be a distinct difference in the manner in which Christians engage in the political process and those who do not profess to be Christians? Be assured that I am not referring to the choice of a political party or a political point of view.  The what, the political philosophy, of course can be very different from one Christian to another.  I am questioning how a political stance is taken.  When you give political commentary on Muslims, Mr. Graham, I fail to ascertain any difference whatsoever between your speech and conduct and that of the elected officials.

 I am sad to say that I truly believe if all of your voices were altered electronically so as to be unrecognizable, I would be unable to distinguish whose voice was whose.  I think I would hear exactly the same rancor.  But your “voice”, Mr. Graham, ought to stand out, not necessarily because of difference in philosophy, but in manner.  Your tone, your language, your entire explanation should be markedly dissimilar.  And that should be the case only because you profess your Christianity, not owing to your standing as a national figure or one known internationally.

 How else should your presentation be notable, regardless of the topic?  Your assertions should be easily verifiable.  Again, as Christians we are told not to bear false witness.  So we must take the time, do the research, and use our intellect to make sure we are sharing truth.  We hear it said well in our courts, “...the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth”.

I understand, Mr. Graham, that you are planning a “Decision America Tour 2016”.  You announced this by saying:

 “America is in trouble. At 62 years of age, I’ve lived long enough to learn that neither the Democrats nor the Republicans can turn this country around; no political party or politician is the answer.

The only hope for this country is Almighty God and His Son Jesus Christ.

Next year I am planning to travel to all 50 states to conduct prayer rallies—we are calling this the Decision America Tour. I want to challenge Christians to boldly live out their faith and to pray for our nation and its leaders. I want to encourage Christians to get out and vote, and to cast their ballots for candidates who uphold biblical principles.

I want to strongly urge Christians to run for public office at every level—local, state, and federal. We will not be endorsing any political candidates, but I will be proclaiming the truth of God’s Gospel in every state. More details will come later. I hope you will start praying with us now.”

Wow!  Where to start?  I guess to say I see this as a poorly disguised attempt to do several things:

1. Use the tax exempt status of your organization, in reality, to influence voters.  The wording regarding the purpose of your tour, to challenge Christians to:   be bold in how they live, to pray for our leaders, to get out and vote is so well defined as to basically mimic the IRS code regarding what is allowable to 501(c)3 organizations.

However, you begin your announcement by saying that no political party; no politician is the answer to our country’s problems (as identified by you).  You say the only hope is God the Father and God the Son.  So if that is true, why bother including anything about elections and voting in your tour?  Why not just have an evangelizing tour such as those your father conducted?  Why not focus only on that which you say is the answer?

2. To use prayer as a cover up for political activity.   You say you want to challenge Christians to pray for our leaders.  I cannot, Mr. Graham, find any instance in which you asked Christians to pray for President Obama.  If I am wrong, I hope to find it out and I will write you to correct this statement.

I definitely agree with you that we should pray.  I HAVE prayed for a former president with whom I pretty much disagreed on everything.  (I found it a difficult task.)   Based on your own words, it seems to me that you question most all of what the president says, including his religious faith and his nation of birth, and you oppose much, if not all, of what he intends to do or wants to accomplish.  And that is definitely your right.  But to have failed to pray even once, publicly, by name, for him (unless you have and I cannot find it in print) does not give credibility to this recent avowal of the importance of praying for leaders.  

3. To use the Christian faith to directly influence the result of a vote.  You say you plan to encourage Christians to “...cast their votes for candidates who uphold biblical principles”.  The mission statement for your tour unequivocally maintains that you “...will not be endorsing any political candidates”.  Yet, you are.  No, you are not naming names; that is true.  Nonetheless, you are endorsing candidates, specific candidates; those who agree with your theology, or at least say they do at election time.

In summary, what this says to me is that you are exploiting your organization’s classification as a charitable entity, as well as your prominence.  And that your intention is to manipulate the vote by use of your religious beliefs.  And what an awful shame it is.

As distressing as I find all of what I have written about thus far, none of it compares to how you speak to Muslims.  As I’ve said, you say a lot of harmful things about Muslims.  But what is particularly disgusting is that prior to being incredibly insulting and saying disparaging things you always begin by saying you want to assure Muslims that you love them, that you pray for them, that Jesus loves them.  And that, in your mind, makes it acceptable and “Christian”?  Prefacing anything harmful you want to say with such a claim is not comparable to an E-Z Pass, Mr. Graham.  You can’t just slow down before saying despicable things and give yourself a green light by mentioning your love for those you are about to malign with varying slanderous statements.  When you do this you demean not only the Islamic faith but the Christian faith as well.

You might have noticed that I have consistently referred to you as “Mr.” Graham rather than “Reverend” Graham.  I have done so because I cannot bring myself to use that term as it should be used, as a title of respect.  I don’t believe just because you have completed a theological course of study and have the degree to prove it means much.  I choose to reserve the designation of “Reverend” for those whose words and actions are, from my perspective, worthy of it.

Note:  I did sign my name.  That is only right.  AND I made sure my address was available.  That is only right also, in case anything I have said should be corrected.  

Back Again, Hopefully

Here I am.  It's been 18 months since my last post.  I really did not intend to stop posting.  But so much "life" came at us that very often I didn't manage to do what I wanted.  I have written some things, but never got around to posting anything.  Maybe I will eventually.  I'd at least like to update the World Vision contributions and share some book titles I have enjoyed.  

In the meantime, let me just start somewhere.  Following is something I wrote early on Christmas morning 2014.  I have no idea why this comes to mind but since it does....

Christmas Journal 2014

It’s Christmas morning of 2014.  I’m enjoying my coffee.  I am using my “Abuela” (grandmother) cup.  I use it every Friday morning and on special occasions.  I’m obviously wondering what Allan and I would have been giving as our special grandparent surprise this year. And I feel sure that there would have been enough activities that I would have had to step in and offer to buy a dress for at least one occasion. 

Oh my goodness, what fun that would be! I know because my mother took Trista shopping when she had just turned 4. Grandma wanted to buy a dress, whichever one her granddaughter picked out.  We were not in JC Penny’s very long before Trista picked out the dress she wanted.  It was a “party” type dress.  Trista didn’t see it as such.  She told Mom that was the one she wanted because it was like a princess dress.  My mother had as much fun as Trista did!  I can see myself doing the same.   

But I refuse to debase the message of Christmas by just thinking about my family.  I’m wondering how my NICU babies are this morning. I’m thinking about the parents who had so hoped to have their baby at home for his/her first Christmas.  I’m thinking about those who are facing an eventual loss.  Some know it.  Some have yet to realize it.  I’m thinking about the nurses and the 12 hour work day the 7a -7p shift will soon start. 

I’m not sitting here enjoying the sunrise any less because some wished me “Happy Holidays” over the last number of weeks.  Instead, I’m wondering why, if Jesus could be so gracious as to eat with those horrible sinners, those scorned by the Pharisees, I shouldn’t also be gracious and respond in kind to someone who is wishing me well? 

Nor am I bemoaning the fact that some public buildings can no longer display a manger scene.  I’m wondering why churches that have no manger scene don’t purchase one to display in the yard on whichever side of the church gets the most traffic?  I’m wondering why Christians who do not have a manger scene for their front yards don’t simply take some of the dollars they planned to spend for Christmas and buy one?  I tend to think that if those two things were done the result would be a lot more exposure for, and commentary on, the meaning of Christmas than a few mangers on public property or inside public buildings many of us, or probably most of us, have no need to visit at this time of year. 

From what I understand, certain nationally known Christians are urging us to be sure we understand just where these types of “attacks” on Christmas will lead, unless we stand up for the Christian religion now.   I, however, simply do not perceive any friendly greeting as anything but just that, a gesture of good will.  And I see the push against manger scenes in public places as an objection, nothing more, nothing less;  straightforward disapproval of using tax dollars for anything that might appear to favor a particular religion.  

So, I personally am not worrying about any future persecution of Christians that, according to some, is foreshadowed by the addition of “Happy Holidays” to “Merry Christmas” as a seasonal greeting.  And  I reject any speculation on what anti-Christian discrimination can be expected in years to come because some citizens want our public spaces to remain completely neutral; to remain as places used only to conduct municipal/civic matters.   Or, as in the case of public gathering places, some want such areas to be void of any religious or political statements; to be places of relaxation, safety and refuge from the normal, everyday matters of any kind.   

But, apparently, I should be concerned about these things.  In a fairly recent commentary a very vocal Christian “leader” vehemently insisted that Christmas, therefore Christ, is under attack.  He gave at least a couple of “flagrant” examples of government attacking Christmas.  He wrote, “We should not be taken aback, then, when a day that should be devoted to meditating upon the marvelous virgin birth of the Lord Jesus Christ is instead treated in a scandalously secular way that denies His deity and saving work.”

What I seem unable to comprehend this Christmas morning is why I have not also read or heard this “religious leader” address the “scandalously secular” way Christmas is treated by hyper commercialism.  I believe that might be one powerful distraction from meditation on “the marvelous virgin birth of our Lord Jesus Christ”.  I researched some statistics.  From what I have investigated, it appears the United States retail industry generated over 3 TRILLION  U.S dollars during the 2013 holiday season.  My study showed holiday retail sales in the U.S total 619.9 Billion dollars.  U.S retail e-commerce holiday season sales total 72.41 Billion dollars.  The average total spending for Christmas gifts is 781 Billion dollars. 

Such staggering figures made me ask what true “Christ-like” good could be done with just one percent of that?  What amount would be available if all of us Christians decided to spend 1 percent less on gifts, with the intention of giving it to those who are sick, who are without, who know what “being attacked” really means?  Unless my math is wrong, one percent of what I see as really treating Christmas Day in a “scandalously secular” way, would generate $7.81 BILLION dollars.  I would think that amount should go a long way in doing some human “saving work”.   The question is, would we be willing to spend 99 cents instead of one dollar?  Instead of spending $100 would we be willing to spend only $99?

I don’t know.  But I am questioning what would happen if we stopped talking about how horribly we Christians are being treated, about what the founding fathers intended and instead thought of how to better love others?  I am imagining that those Christian leaders who are so troubled and anxious might be wonderfully surprised.  I have real doubts that those who are suspected of wanting to destroy Christmas would stand a chance of succeeding.  The people we Christians would be helping at Christmas time would all be on our side and would very much want Christians to continue celebrating Christmas.  I think this would be especially true about parents whose children we might help.  One thing I feel sure we can agree on is that very, very few parents would fail to support those who loved their children.  And, from my point of view, Jesus would see that as an appropriate way to be “meditating” on Him, of focusing on the concept of giving in great love, which is what we say we believe He did.  It is why we say we celebrate His birth. 

Heartthrob

The following post is about "Baby #3".  I spent the entirety of my last volunteer shift with him.  Wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon, let me tell you!

“Okay, so let me just confess right now.  I’ve so totally given my heart to another guy.   After 43 years, no less.”  My poor husband was standing at the sink, preparing us a meal.  That’s when I sprang it on him.  Bad timing, I know.  But on the way home I had decided to tell him as soon as I was in the house. 

Without much concern he looks around and asks what I am talking about.  I rush on to explain it really wasn’t my fault.  What was I supposed to do?  He is movie star, leading man beautiful.  His name is movie star worthy.  His temperament is easy going.  He likes to cuddle.   AND, he’s going to have great hair.  Not his fault.  And, as I said, not mine.  No woman in her right mind could resist.

Pretty much unfazed, Allan turns back to the sink and returns to preparing vegetables.  Okay, so he knew I had to be talking about a little guy who most likely weighed less than 5 pounds, but, no reaction?  Really?  I think he should at least ask some questions about his competition.  Well, maybe I don’t give him time. 

He’s 67 days old.  At last weigh in he finally hit 4 pounds.  Born at 24 weeks, he weighed less than 2 pounds.  A month later he finally hit the 2 pound mark.  And once he got started, he was a go getter!  He gained the next pound in just two weeks.  A little over two weeks more and he tilted those scales at 4 pounds!  Besides being a heart-stopper and having a winning personality, he’s probably going to be athletic.  Need you even ask if he is going to be smart?  Just count on it. 

One of his most endearing qualities, ladies, he actually listens to a woman!  AND he responds!  Not with words, you understand.  But he definitely lets you know (when he is not napping) that he is all into you.   Practically impossible to believe, I know.  But I hate a lie so take this as the truth it is.  And when he smiles, I assure you, the most curmudgeonly of women could not withstand.  She would succumb with only a minimal sigh of surrender.   Just as I did.

 

Sweet Smile of Encouragement and God Holding My Hand

Somehow I DID pass the criminal background check and now volunteer in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at the hospital.  (See blog post entitled “Big Day?")  I ABSOLUTELY LOVE it!!!  This was written September 29^th after I had completed my training.  The title of this post indicates it has some “religious stuff” in it.  But I don’t think it is a lot.  And any reader can skip over that part.  Just look at it as how the experience in the NICU affected me.  The part I think you will enjoy and not be sorry you read is about the babies themselves.    

I want to share the most touching story.  I just last night finished by training to be a volunteer in The Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at the Betty H Cameron Women’s and Children’s Hospital.  And, fair warning:  do NOT go there unless you understand very well that your heart will be captured immediately. 

Let me tell you about the first babies who started me out on a new adventure.  For the most obvious of reasons, I won’t use even their first names, or the initials.  I’ll have to assign each his/her number, according to the order in which I met them. 

Baby # 1 would win a baby beauty contest.  (I say that with the utmost respect to all those other beauties!)  Her little face is flawless, her little head perfectly shaped, her eyes ever so pretty, and the fingers of her little hand are exquisitely delicate and seem made for playing an instrument.  The fact that she doesn’t have so much in the hair “category” only adds to her beauty because there is just enough.  I would describe her hair color (as much as can be determined by the smattering of her current hairstyle) as very light brunette.  She has a totally feminine name; one that brings to mind the more delicate colors of springtime.  And by the way, she is a withdrawal baby.  But as she was settling down and giving in to the comfort of being held I reminded her that God knew all about this fact and He had sent me to pray over her.  She fell asleep as we were praying.

Baby #2 would be giving Baby #1 a run for her money in that beauty contest.  She has large, dark eyes that would defy the most callous to remain indifferent.  They are, without doubt, the most soulful eyes I have ever seen.  The fingers of her tiny hand are not long like those of Baby #1.  They are somewhat thicker and have larger fingernails, wonderfully shaped, as I told her, for polish.  And her hair?  Let me just say she is the would-be trendsetter, not only on her hallway, but within the entire NICU!  I personally love, love, love it!  Think in terms of cotton candy.  Its delicate texture and wispiness paint the correct mental picture for you.  But to give that picture a twist, Baby #2 wears that wispy look predominantly on top.  She likes a minimum amount of hair on the sides of her head, and practically none on the back.  A totally unique look, and, as I said, one I find eye-catching. 

Miss Baby #2 is an action oriented girl.  She sleeps very little.  And when she does she seems to prefer scrunched up positions.  By the second day we hung out together I think she was liking it that Miss Regenia was catching on.  If necessary I would hold my arm up at a somewhat awkward position and/or slouch down so Baby #2 would be half reclining, half sitting up and her head would rest against my cheek.  Whatever the position, Baby #2 was intractable on one thing.  She wanted her “paci” either in her mouth for some rather vigorous sucking or at hand so as to be available to her pretty much instantaneously.  (Miss Regenia, being non-athletic, has not yet mastered all the physical dexterity Baby #2 requires, but she is willing to work on it.) 

In addition to liking action, this baby girl is also determined.  Born at 25 weeks, she weighed only 1 pound 4 ounces.  She has undergone at least 2 surgeries and has had to have a good portion of her intestine removed.  As a consequence she is unable to absorb the nutrients she needs.  The very, very small feeding tube inserted in her nose provides ongoing nourishment, to help her in between feeding times.  She pays it no mind. 

When I first met her, I thought Baby #2 had attempted some gymnastic feat within the confines of her beautifully decorated “crib”.  I wanted to believe that was the cause of her tiny broken arm.  To wonder about it happening in any other way was unthinkable.  How uninformed and uneducated I am as a new volunteer baby holder!  Baby #2’s arm was in the cast because her diminutive bones are too fragile.  As I understand it, this would be less of a problem if her body could do a better job of grabbing onto all the nutritional benefits of her diet.  Her nourishment passes too rapidly through her system.   And, just as she does with regard to her feeding tube, Baby #2 ignores this inconvenience.  This cast, having to be a fashion accessory, is, thankfully, a neutral color.  She and I have determined that was a wise choice on the part of her doctors. 

With respect to their “figures”, Baby #1 and Baby #2 should have no concerns; both are perfect.  There is a difference, however, in how they came to have said figures.  Baby #1, being full term, came by hers naturally.  Baby #2, getting a good deal ahead of herself at birth, has had to go through a lot to attain hers.  That comes as no surprise, I’m sure, given what you've already learned about her life.     

But little lives that begin with such struggles and obstacles can bless us so effortlessly.  The first night Miss Baby #2 and I were together I informed her of my intention to pray over her.  As with all babies who are in essence a few weeks old, focusing on what I was saying was challenging.  She, of course, had not overtly responded to anything I had said.  However, being almost 5 months old, this baby girl had progressed in some ways beyond the two week old stage.  And the most wonderful thing happened.  I was explaining to her that her angels and those of all children always get first access to God the Father.  I went on to say that Jesus loved her very much and not to doubt that even given her rough start in life.  And you know what happened?  As I said the name Jesus, she smiled.  I mean actually smiled.  This wasn't just a stretching sideways of her tiny lips that could possibly be seen as a smile. This was a smile that would be defined as such by anyone who might see it. 

I found that so touching and encouraging.  But, like we all do, I began to doubt what I had seen.  After all, it could have been a true coincidence.  So I repeated my message that Jesus loves her.  And there it was; another big smile exactly when I said Jesus’ name.  Now, I really, REALLY had to check this out once more.  And once more Baby #2 gave me that same beautifully sweet smile a third time!  I almost felt as if she were letting me know she understood what I so desperately wanted her to know.  But that’s not all.  In the same way a speaker tries to gauge his/her approach and efficacy by looking for some form of acknowledgement from those listening, and is relieved to see even the slight shake of a head and/or the direct gaze of someone, I had unconsciously been looking for confirmation.  I think I wanted affirmation that I had done the right thing by volunteering to help with the babies, as opposed to somewhere else in the hospital.  That sweet smile was it.

Baby #1 and #2 like to hold hands with me.  I spent 90% of training time with Baby #2, so of course there is more to say about her.  At one point last night, when I was apparently correctly positioned per Miss #2’s preferences, I looked at her hand attached to by mine.  The ebony shade of her tiny hand clinging to my very pale, age spotted one was meaningful.  Should a water colorist been there to paint just our hands s/he could have entitled the work “Life Distilled”.  That’s what I saw, anyway.  I saw the cycle of life illustrated.  I saw the inherent need we humans have for one another, like it or not.  I saw that interconnectedness we have even across generations.  I saw the beauty, the fulfillment, the meaning of life when we recognize this fact and work as hard to live accordingly as Baby #2 has worked to survive.  I saw God holding my hand.  Sweet Baby #2’s hand was, in fact, His hand.  And I am thankful it was tightly gripping mine.  

Journal

It took me a while; a good long while, but I realized it in the last week or so. I think I enjoy the blogging world.  I’m not a Facebook aficionada nor do I follow any Twitter site.  Facebook visually overwhelms me.  And I do not want to know everybody that everyone else knows so that I end up with hundreds of “friends”.  I don’t want that to sound like a criticism; it is not.  Those are just straightforward reasons I personally do not enjoy that very popular form of social media.  My family not only use Facebook, but appreciate it as a means of staying in touch with friends and family; of sharing a laugh, whatever.   

And, now I have even less incentive to give that communication form a try.  Allan has learned the disturbing life views of at least one friend, as well as a number of people we know, based on their Facebook posts as a result of the presidential election.  Regardless of one’s political opinion we consider racism paraded as patriotism to be unacceptable. Totally.  As if that were not disappointing enough, the horrific loss at Newtown brought to light the outright disdain these same people have for anyone who believes it appropriate to rethink/discuss parts of our gun laws.  Regrettably, the conversations between those Facebook users left no uncertainty about that.  I was shocked, truly shocked, at just how vehement they were in their dislike for and condescension of those of us who are of the opinion that child safety has to come first, even at the expense of high capacity magazines.  I do not get the impression that agreeing to disagree is an option.  I find that sad and discouraging.  I decided that Facebook is the perfect name; it is a social media that can show the face behind the appearance.   It’s just that I don’t want to see such ugly faces when I thought friendliness and kindness depicted them as beautiful.  And it is like a “tell all” book for some to openly expose to suspicion anyone or any attitude with which they disagree; to feed the idea that finding a way between two extremes is a disloyal and traitorous suggestion.          

So, what about the blogging, you ask?  Well, I find blogging (the minimal I do and read) to be more personal.  Different from Facebook, you “connect” with individuals, not lots of people at once; you share what is important to you, without having to sift through so much other stuff.  That is what I like but also what I am afraid of.  Since adding a few blogs to my reading as a result of trying to slow down and work less, I am thinking about doing a profile. 

But I write about what I am thinking.  The whole purpose of beginning this blog was to use it as a form of therapy, a way of organizing my thoughts that had come to resemble one of our neighbor’s garage; jam packed, literally, from side to side, front to back, and almost top to bottom.  To access anything they must open the garage door, begin to put stuff on the driveway and front lawn until they reach what is wanted.  (This is not to berate our neighbors.   Admittedly this would drive me crazy, but since it does not seem to bother then, I am fine with however they choose to live; however they choose to store belongings.  It’s just that the chaos that is their garage is such an apt description of how grief impacts one’s intellectual abilities for a while.  Also, I like the analogy because I think everyone might either have such a garage, or knows someone who has too much stuff accumulated in too small a space.)

It was normal, I was told. From my own personal experience, I now think grief can act as an acid corroding the memory so it cannot retrieve stored information.  It can be the catalyst for a chemical reaction that alters the brain’s normal ability to process thoughts.  Imagine our neighbors, having a generator somewhere in their garage.  A storm that had been termed a milder tropical storm strenghtened rapidly into a category 2 hurricane and meteorologists are warning it has the potential of becoming a category 3.  It’s been cloudy and raining all day.  That, coupled with the fact that it is an October evening, makes 7:30 PM dark.  The lights are beginning to flicker.   Our neighbors have to open their garage door and begin tearing it apart in search of their generator.  (Again, that is not criticism.  It’s just how they are.  It is, I assure you, not hyperbole.) 

There you have an idea of just how dysfunctional the loss of a child can render a person.  A concrete example; a very capable woman who lost her daughter 7 years ago after a long and very debilitating illness recently told me she recalls the day she was able to remember a frequently called phone number.  She was relieved, she told me.  It gave her a very small amount of hope that maybe she would begin to be able to do tasks that are habitual to all of us, those that normally require little or no thought.     

Unless I do not understand, if I do a profile people can link to it from other blogs.  So I run the risk of having someone seeing a post and thinking I am writing about political and/or religious issues per se.  From my perspective and purpose I am trying to figure out how we humans can care so little about others.  As I said several years ago, perhaps very early on, I want to see /believe we remain diligent regarding how our thinking and living make us more or less sensitive to how much help we can be to one another; not to mention how much our lives are enriched in that way.

 I want to believe that we will not put ideology above all else.  I see things in the political realm that, to my way of thinking, should be anything but a political issue.  I see lots of ways we Christians are the personification of hypocrisy, selfishness and almost unmatched arrogance.  And we can be right down mean.   If we don’t stand up against that, how will we be ready to be a support and encouragement to others when they most need it?  And even if we manage to when it “counts”, won’t that simply reinforce our hypocrisy?  And if so, how is that any real help? 

Could we blame someone to whom we are trying to be compassionate if s/he/they view it skeptically?  Could we blame them if they see themselves as our opportunity to show just how Christian we are?  And people should not have to feel they are a “show and tell” instance of Christian goodwill.  They should experience wholehearted sincerity.  That’s what we received and what I want for others going through whatever tragedy.    

Maybe I could somehow offer a profile that could express all this?  The thought struck me the other day that this could be a journal I leave behind for Trista.  Maybe if I put that in my profile; make clear just how personal my blog is, that would discourage devoted haters of any idea differing from their own from bothering to comment?  I’ll have to give it all some thought. 

In the meantime I am going to write about some perfect little human beings.  And I do mean perfect!!

Big Day?

Back in August I contacted the hospital to see about volunteering.  Per instructions, I went online, read all the material, completed an application and took a required test.  I heard nothing.  Naturally, I assumed I had been rejected and decided it just wasn’t meant to be.  In fact, I made initial contact with another agency that could use bilingual volunteers.  You know what’s coming, right?

Last week I received a call from the director of volunteers, the one with whom I had originally spoken and who had told me how to initiate the process online.  Was I still interested?  I should have received a call within a week but somehow the computer system had not worked as it should.  In fact, they could not find the test I took.  A tech person should be able to retrieve it, not to worry.  Bottom line, I go today at 1:00 for an interview.

When I first spoke with the woman weeks ago she had asked where I might be interested in helping out.  The Betty H Cameron Women’s and Children’s Hospital.   Why, she wanted to know.  I explained that I wanted to work with children and/or families whose children/babies were there.  I didn’t care if I carried coffee, brought them a blanket, whatever.  I wanted to do that because we had lost our little granddaughter Natalia there and I would know how people might be feeling. 

She immediately wanted to know how long ago this had been.  Four years.  Her surprising response?  If it has only been four years there are going to be things you are not yet ready for.  She went on to say that she had lost a daughter 7 years ago; that people who have not been through that kind of loss do not understand.  Seven years and every day you miss your child; every day you carry on but you are thinking about and missing your child.  She repeated that I might not be ready for the very things with which I wanted to help; that in addition to living it, she had seen it a few times in her position as director of the volunteers.  We would have to see; we would discuss it further at an interview.  I found that was okay with me.  Somehow I found that reassuring.

I do not know if I will be told today if I am accepted, but I am anxious to find out.  At the same time I am afraid to hope.  The nice thing is that my friend Lynette and I are taking Naazneen to the beach tonight to celebrate her birthday.  So, regardless of how it goes, I will have something to look forward to and will be with friends.  That’s always a good thing, right?

A Meaningful August 28th

It never occurred to us until this year!  Maybe that’s because it was a particularly significant anniversary, the 50th.  Fifty years since the peaceful March on Washington of a quarter of a million people.   Maybe it was because some of the fog of the day lifted and we were more aware of what was happening in the world.  I don’t know.

 But we finally realized that Natalia died on the same day, August 28^th, that Martin Luther King gave his “I Have A Dream” speech.  Somehow that was meaningful to us.

I have always loved his speech.  I have loved not only the content, but the eloquence.  In addition to the more famous lines, I love his declaration that he had come to Washington to “cash a check”.  He maintained that when the Declaration of Independence defined life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as the unalienable rights of all men, it was, in essence, a promissory note – a promissory note for these rights, given to all Americans, black as well as whites.   What a powerful analogy!  Particularly when he went on to say that America had defaulted on this note with respect to its citizens of color.  Further on he stated his belief that the bank of justice was not bankrupt.  He was more hopeful than I often feel. 

Interestingly enough, Trista and I came to the realization about the date independently of each other.  While riding to the Zumba class she teaches and I attend, she asked if I were by any chance writing anything about slavery.  Before I could respond she went on to say that she had just realized that Natalia’s date of death corresponded to Martin Luther King’s speech. 

I find it fascinating that she asked about slavery, not Civil Rights.  You’ve guessed, haven’t you?  I was writing something about slavery. 

What follows is just something that came to mind when I was thinking about Martin Luther King’s dream for his children: “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”


(Note:  I made aboslutely no attempt at historical accuracy.  I just wrote.)

I have no choice.  Her cruelty is eating at her just like the fleas eat at the field dogs.  Those poor dogs scratch until they have patches where their hair is gone and the flesh underneath becomes a raw, nasty looking sore.  The fleas do not stop.  It is as if they have the ability to think and plan to torment the dogs without end until all of the dogs’ fleshy tissue has been laid completely bare.   

I am no longer able to calm her when she flies into her rages. Her rants do not allow her to hear my voice, my attempt to help her calm herself. Anyone in her presence at the time suffers verbal lashings.  Of course the verbal castigation is nothing for them to withstand.  They have been trained since birth to accept whatever is said to them, without reply.  Unless that is to say “Yes’m or “Yes Sir”.

The beatings are what worry me, as it most certainly does them.  The anger of her soul gives her uncanny strength, not usually found in a woman, much less one as small as she.  She is unfulfilled unless she sees the blood spread of the one being flogged, until the black skin she so despises is covered over with the bright red of fresh blood.  And if that blood oozes from the body of a child, it makes no difference to her.  Her hatred does not see child versus adult.  It does not see male or female.  It does not see culpable versus innocent.  It sees only black.  Sadly she sees nothing of the inner blackness that is her heart.  She sees only the black that is another’s skin.

Until recently they understood there was no hope their children would escape a life sentence in the prison called slavery.  But they did have hope that the children would live; even though they might be sold at auction and would be lost to their parents this side of heaven, they would not have to watch them be randomly maimed and/or killed in their childhood.  It was the loss of this hope that drives me and them.  It was, at first, an unspoken realization, a common bond, a collective goal of saving children’s lives, something that needed no words. 

Thus I began to consider and quietly learn how to try to help some safely reach a northern state where slavery does not exist.  They will take the journey other runaway slaves have traveled.  If they cannot go together as family units, I will find a way to send the children.  I have to.  I just have to.

More accurately, we have to.  I will do this with and for my black male friends with whom I played until about age 12.  Their mothers helped care for me, as much as Mother did.  I grew to love them as I loved her.  I grew to love my play mates as I would have loved the brothers I did not have.  I did not understand when I was told I could no longer be Jim’s friend; I was to consider him my personal slave.  I would forget and do things for myself, or even for both Jim and me.  That would particularly draw her wrath.  I was to remember that I was Jim’s master now!  Did I understand?  I had best not forget again! There was no allowance for my being solicitous on Jim’s behalf.  Perhaps if I had had siblings I might have felt differently.  But Jim was my brother, along with several others our same age, although I was closest to him.  We were a family, much more so than my “real” family, meaning my parents.    

It will be especially difficult because their master, my father, was not known to be an unfair or harsh man. And I believe help is first extended to those whose masters are merciless.  What people do not know is the control some women of the plantations hold over the affairs of the slaves.   And my mother’s society friends never see the heartless woman who is mistress of this plantation.   She is careful to hide her true nature.  (I suppose she does so in the same way Jim and the others have learned to conceal their intellect, their ability to think, to reason, to listen and to learn.  Not that they have found it to be so very challenging.  After all, Mother considers it absolute truth that they are inferior intellectually and therefore fails to look for the possibility that she could be wrong about their abilities.)  Given the opportunity, Jim is only one of many of them who could have been my fellow classmate. Being innately more intellectually gifted than I, he would have been the better student.  Should Mother hear me admit such a thing, there would be no sparing my black family and friends from her brutality.  I sincerely believe that, in her mind, I could more rightly curse God Himself openly than to even think such a thing. 

And poor Mother; would it not be her very undoing to know that it was at the northern university she and Father sent me where I learned there were others who felt as I did.  I was free to not only have my own opinions about my black family/friends, but to give them voice.  I could express my deep hatred and complete lack of understanding of this institution called slavery.  I could denounce my birthright to hold slaves; my right to prosper from their unending labor.    

It was my plan, upon returning home, to begin to work alongside Father, to encourage him to allow the Negro children to attend a school here on the plantation.  I had other grand plans, but Father up and died suddenly, necessitating my immediate and permanent return to the plantation.  It was obvious within the first moments of my homecoming that any good once evident in Mother’s heart was completely gone.  In addition to the underlying need for a feeling of superiority she now had self-pity to add to her self-aggrandizement toolbox, used so skillfully to fulfill her desire to control all matters. 

Therein is my problem.  The widely held opinion is that females are the gentler sex; that they hold in check the callous vindictiveness of males.  But it has been my experience that hatred and evil are not constrained by whether or not one is man or woman.  Rather, very ironically, they are bound only by an open heart!  A heart that is more selfless than selfish.  Such a heart allows no access.  It is safeguarded by a tendency and/or willingness to submit to compassion, to kindness, to benevolence.

The heart of anyone at any point in history can be wholly filled with, and consumed by darkness; the darkness that fights against a spirit of generosity, against caring about and for others, against living life without the presumptions of superiority and special favor bestowed by God.  Should Jim and I, and our other co-conspirators succeed in sheltering the children, in helping them to survive, it will be in spite of such hearts.  And it will be wholly dependent on humble hearts uncluttered by such malice; hearts willingly made vulnerable to hurt on behalf of another.  I pray for enough such hearts, both during this perilous undertaking, and for future generations of children I will not live to see.  I pray for hearts that see slave children in the same light as white children are seen.  Were we to be surprised and find many, I still have to wonder just how long it will be before hearts like Mother’s can be changed.  If ever.