Destination of Choice

Years ago Allan’s two aunts, Auntie Ang and Aunt Jess (Angeline and Josephine, although I never heard them called by those names.) would entertain us all at family get togethers with their stories of senior citizen mystery trips.  It was wonderful!  Three generations sitting around laughing hard at the stories related by these two.  They could have been a comedy duo.  You’ll just have to take my word on that. 

Aunt Ang died last July 2, the day before her 89^th birthday.  Thinking about her the other day made me recall the mystery trips.  I always found that so funny, that people would get on a bus and have absolutely no idea whatsoever where they were going!  Later in life I understood, of course, that those seniors didn’t care where the bus was headed for the day.  It was about being with others and expecting a fun time. 

Anyway, thinking about those trips led me to consider a comparison with life in general.  I’ll try to explain.  Here are some of the similarities and differences, as I see them:

ü     Aunt Ang and Aunt Jess knew, at least, to expect a mystery trip on a given day.  AND they expected not only an interesting destination, but also a fun and satisfying trip.

ü     They knew two other things, as well:

1.   Times of departure and return.

2.   Place of departure and return were exactly the same.

ü     We don’t know when, or even if, we will have to embark on certain of life’s trips.  So we certainly don’t awaken with the expectation of a day other than the one we planned.

ü     Auntie Ang and Aunt Jess signed up for their trips.  But, unlike them, we don’t get to sign up for some of life’s journeys, good or bad.  And for the bad ones, we would NEVER willingly sign up.  No one would.  

ü     As much as we might want to know the length of time designated for the trip on which life sends us, we have no idea when it will end.

ü     Once on some life journeys, we realize very quickly that we will NOT be returning to the same place from which we departed.  We will NEVER again be at that same place.  Not even close. 

BUT (and here is the whole point) I have come to the conclusion that we do, most definitely, get to choose an alternate “place”.  We can choose our emotional, mental, attitudinal place from which to proceed through the remainder of life.  We get to choose our mindset.  I say that, not only from personal experience, but also from past observations.

I’ve observed that some people choose complete and never-ending self-pity.  This is a choice that allows nothing productive to come from whatever life is still to be lived.  Not only is it not productive, but it also steals from the person making this choice some of the good things that remain after whatever disappointment or difficult experience encountered.  True friends eventually fall away because they never again find any reciprocity in the relationship.  We don’t want relationships that only drain us, never building us up or energizing us.  Sympathy dissipates at some point, much to the person’s chagrin.  S/he simply does not understand, or does not want to understand, that we humans don’t like expectations of how we should feel.  We want to freely give sympathy, not have it demanded, no matter how subtle the demand might be.  Ironically, this choice DOES end in pity for the person; just not the kind desired.  People pity this person for his/her choice and the result of that choice; certainly not for whatever situation caused him/her to choose a life of self-pity.  Although I have several excellent examples of this type of person, I doubt I need share them.  We’ve all been exposed to them, to one degree or another. 

Bitterness is a second choice I’ve seen some make.  This person ends up walking through life’s remainder with anger and nastiness; perhaps even meanness and/or cruelty.  Others don’t consider this person a “drainer” because they don’t even get the option of trying to interact with one so bitter.  Everyone is looked on with condescension.  People don’t stick around for that kind of treatment very long, even if they want to express support and encouragement.

I have a very sad example of this choice that I do want to share.  I worked with a man years ago, who, although not the friendliest guy around, could have some good moments with people and give them some consideration.  When he did not get a desired promotion he soured on everything and everyone.  He became more driven.  He manipulated people.  He looked for things to fault.  He ended up losing two of his closest friends, as well as just about everyone who might have stood by him and who would have made the rest of his career enjoyable.  His very closest friend, when dying, gave his wife instructions NOT to let this man in the house should he break down and come.  The man did come.  And the wife turned him away.  The second friend would not enter any place if he knew the man to be there.  He would not enter even a large building if he had any indication said man was there.  Last I knew this totally embittered man retired without anyone suggesting a “wish you well” party.  He had exactly one friend who remained, one who himself had begun to turn his back on long-time friends, particularly if they did not share the same opinion as he on every possible issue. 

Shortly after Natalia’s death I said to my sister that I did not want us to get sensitive and assume/see hurt where it was simply not intended.  And actually, I wanted to overlook it if it did come.  (It did not.  And as I’ve said since starting this blog, I want to see more of the good that we experienced.)  I wanted us to be very careful about choices made as a result of one of life’s horrible journeys I wish we had never had to take.  If nothing else, I saw that as in our best interest.  I continue to want us to be very careful and deliberate about our destination from here.  We do have a choice.