Changing Lenses and Being Reminded of Life's Equation

I really dreaded Christmas this year.  Thankfully, a loss is, in some ways, made less intensely painful by time.  But a few things, like holidays, become more difficult.  Not only for yourself, but as a parent it sometimes feels like you simply cannot continue to endure watching your child suffer.  And you want to do anything to alleviate the hurt.    I felt lost, inadequate and overwhelmed.  But I wanted and needed to face up to the coming holidays. 

Years ago I took a watercolor class.  For one assignment we were to paint a scene so that it appeared you were looking through a camera lens that brought one object into focus while blurring the surroundings.    I chose to use an arrangement of flowers, whether real or a picture, I do not remember.  But I’ve always been glad that was my choice.  Often enough I have looked at the painting and it reminds me of how we would best approach life.  We need to see ourselves and others as part of a group; a whole which creates a beauty that makes an impact we just can’t manage on our own.  Yet we also need to appreciate the distinct qualities of the individuals that surround us and are part of the group’s make up. 

I somehow came to the conclusion that I needed to do the opposite of what the assignment was for that watercolor.  I needed to change the "camera lens" so that the focus was on that whole. And that seemed appropriate, given the Season.  So I made a plan; a plan I hoped would help me cope not only with my dread, but also somehow be a help to my family.  I needed to work really hard at seeing beyond our dread of the holiday and bring others into better view.  Let me give a summary of my plan along with notes in italics about how I saw that part of the plan contribute something positive. 

Tell my family I wanted absolutely no gifts this year.  Instead, I asked that they send the money to World Vision, or any other organization working to feed hungry children, both here and abroad.  Allan and I decided to skip any gifts for each other, so we could contribute the money instead to that organization, to provide food, clean water, and other necessities for children’s survival and development.  We studied the World Vision Christmas 2011 Gift Catalog.  Some gifts, such as emergency food for children in Africa or urgently needed clothing, shoes, and other necessities for American children were being “multiplied” by either grants or donations from manufacturers/retailers.   We made two contributions for Christmas, one of $98 and one of $219.  But just wait ‘til you read what the real impact of those dollars was!

The $98 donation was two-fold in positive outcome.  First, we “purchased” $98 of gifts for children in the USA, but by choosing gifts that would be multiplied, monies will actually provide $348 of food, necessities like clothing, shoes, blankets, personal care items, as well as supplies for schools in low-income neighborhoods. Secondly, we were able to request the gifts be made in honor of friends who had prayed for us when Natalia died.   (Someone prayed every hour during the day beginning at 6:00 AM and ending at 10:00 PM!  They did so for many weeks.  They emailed us the prayer schedule so I could look at any time and see who was praying for us right then.  I carried that list for months.  It is most definitely the best gift I have ever received.)

 We made a second contribution in memory of Natalia as her Christmas gift.  We again tried to maximize the dollars.  We sent $219 but those dollars translated into $1,269 of help!  Our “gifts” included emergency food for Africa, medicines, immunizations, mosquito nets for one entire family, clothing, and help for children with disabilities. 

These were the reasons for our choices; reasons that would touch the heart of any parent/grandparent:

Every day thousands of children die because they do not have access to basic medicines that could save their lives.  Medicines like antibiotics, antiseptics, Vitamin A, oral rehydration salts, and anti-parasitic medication, to name a few. 

Millions of children lose their lives each and every year to diseases that, for us, are readily preventable.  They simply need vaccines for measles, whooping cough, diphtheria, hepatitis, polio, and tetanus!

The mosquito is the deadliest creature on earth.  (I’m not sure I knew that?) The yearly death toll from this insect totals almost 800,000!  For us Americans, preventing malaria is not cost prohibitive.  But in other countries it most certainly is and parents have to watch their children suffer and die from this disease.  

Literally millions of children living in developing countries are disabled and can not walk.  Why?  Polio, birth defects, land mines, injuries and not having proper medical attention available to them.  And often these disabled children are unable to go to school.  Free Wheelchair Mission evidently partners with World Vision to give wheelchairs to as many of these children as possible.  And not just any wheelchairs, but custom-fit wheelchairs!  

We decided to begin an ongoing project to save money for future contributions to provide food, clean water and other necessities basic and crucial for the survival of children.   For example, we chose to send Christmas cards to only a few people, such as elderly family and friends we see very infrequently, etc.  The money we would have spent on cards and stamps was added to our “fund”.  In addition we determined to save two other ways.  We would save the difference between a sale price and original price of a purchase.  And we would forego some things we wanted or planned to do, setting those dollars aside for the “fund”.   We began to record our savings in a $0.10 spiral bound notebook.

It has been such fun to see how extremely quickly our savings are adding up!  (Allan qualifies for all those senior discounts and that really increases our savings!)  By the end of December, after making the contributions mentioned above, we saved an additional $104.15!!  That represented only about 6 days of purchases and one activity costing $18 that I decided to give up.  Now, of course, that does include the minimal Christmas shopping we did.  We bought only two things that were not on sale.  And 10% was the smallest percentage discount we received. 

 Okay, I have to tell you, I find that pretty exciting.  We began our full year effort on January 1^st, of course.  Right now the plan is to send the money at the end of each month.  We think it should be sent as soon and as often as possible.  After all, this truly is a matter of life and death.  And so very few things are.  We just get all upset as if other things were. 

Go and see some of our older friends who we see aging and declining somewhat; some rather quickly.  Knowing I would rather take the easy way out and stay home as much as possible, I committed myself to doing so.  I asked permission to come visit with them before Christmas. 

It takes so little to thrill older people.  Just knowing people, younger than they, wanted to spend time with them seemed to give them a real boost.  We shared stories from when we were all younger.  We laughed.  We shared cookies.  We listened to anything they might like to tell us.  They were so appreciative.  I felt guilty.  I’m afraid it helped me more than it could have done for them.  But if they were happy, I guess that was the goal.  We’ve already received a thank you note and some recipes in the mail!

Go and see as many others as we could, although I had not committed to visit them.  These were widows whom we had invited into our home, but never been in theirs.  I had to work at not letting it depress me.  They lived in subsidized housing.  The apartments were one floor, brick, well laid out as a neighborhood and VERY well maintained.  But, inside, the apartments were oh, so small!  The kitchen was, at most 7 feet wide and just deep enough for one person to “be” in.  The living/dining area where we visited was, according to Allan, perhaps 10 feet by 12 feet.  Let me just put it this way.  I could have reached across the room to hand something to the person opposite me by simply scooting forward just a little bit on the couch.  B… told us she can pay $400 a month but some of her friends can only afford $80 a month.  These are women ranging in age from 80 to mid-80’s.  Our world did not offer too many of them an opportunity to get an advanced education, much less full time employment for any extended period of time.  I can now speak out with some frame of reference.  I want us to help the elderly by providing housing they can afford.  But I also want us to provide housing that doesn’t feel like a box.  Giving them a little room to invite one another in for lunch or coffee would add a lot to their quality of life.  As Allan said, he would hate to be in one of those little apartments, really just hanging on, sitting and waiting to die.  There would be no room for any hobby or for inviting your grown children or grandchildren to bring dinner and come to your house.  I can’t help but ask if, when the floor plans were developed, did anyone go into a space the size being allotted for each apartment and stay there for even a few hours?  If they had, I do not comprehend how they would have built them so extremely small.   

But, having gotten that out of my system, let me tell you they were all so thrilled!  Absolutely thrilled.  It was sad to see how excited and pleased they were.    

Plan to keep everything simple and low key.  For Christmas Eve we had soup and tacos.  I’ll write separately about that and show some pictures.  For Christmas dinner I prepared Chicken Marsala.  While I prepared the chicken, Trista made the “dough” for gnocchi.  She moved on to putting a salad together and handed the gnocchi off to Allan and Ale.  Their job was to roll the dough, cut pieces the length Trista wanted, and make indentations with a fork so that the gnocchi would hold the butter and parmesan we intended to add. 

 Of course it was a great thing for all of us to be involved with the meal.  It was fun to be working together.  It was good to have the meal also be a “project” which took our time and energy.  It was fun to see Allan and Ale rolling dough and being part-time chefs.   AND, it was a good meal!  Left over cake and ice cream worked fine for dessert later on. 

So how did it all work out?  For me it was supposed to be a Christmas without gifts.  That’s what I wanted.   But changing lenses was actually a gift!  It was a wonderful illustration and proof of life’s equation:  Giving = Receiving.  Period. 

The Ending Is Up To Me

Note: If you read this post, please also read post script

It is Saturday, shortly after 6:00 AM.  Like always, I awoke around 5:00.  Once again I awakened with a mental picture.  I was in some city walking alone just observing my surroundings.  There didn’t seem to be many people around.   That is, until I approached an intersection.   Around the corner a large flood of people came running.  They were headed in the opposite direction as I.  After the last few stragglers ran past me, I turned to see where they were all going.  All I saw was a mass of people running.  It could have been the running of the bulls in Pamplona.  People seemed to be that frenzied and wild. 

Since I wasn’t in that fuzzy, strange zone between sleep and wakefulness, I assume this was the beginning of a dream, interrupted.  And I know exactly why I was in this dream.  We watched The Help last night.  I had seen it with by book group friends when it first hit the theatres.  And I had read the book.  But Allan had not, so he ordered it from Netflix.  He was left wondering why some had criticized the book and movie.  But more importantly, he was stunned to be faced with a portrayal of the time in our history when some of our citizens lived under the Jim Crow laws.  He was touched towards the end of the movie when Michael pulled out the chair for Minny so she could sit and enjoy the meal Celia had prepared for her. 

As is usually true when faced with parts of not only our history, but that of the world, I was left wondering if I would have put myself at risk by doing as Aibileen did?  Would I have had that kind of courage?  But being Caucasian, I wonder more if I would have been a Eugenia?  Would I have had the compassion to take a good look at how others were treated?   I would like to think that, like Skeeter (Eugenia), I would take a look around and question.  I would like to know, without any doubt, that I would do my own thinking and not be so cowardly as to follow the crowd.  And certainly I would like to think I would not have allowed myself to be bullied into decisions by one nasty person, friend or not.  If not, I would like to think that I would at least listen to and be influenced by people like Eugenia. 

You know, I think what happened during the time depicted by this movie is similar to what is happening now.  Or at least that is how I see it.  I see people, especially fellow Christians, it seems, to be going with the crowd.  And  just like those who run in front of the bulls in Pamplona, they are frenzied, frightened runners.  They think they are running towards “safety”.  They think they are trying to outrace the evil of not being true to our founding fathers and what was intended by them.  (I have yet to figure out how anyone knows what men dead over two hundred years “intended”.  But some sound very sure they can.  They say with certainty how things should be, based on what these dead guys intended. )  They think they know exactly what the race is that they are running. 

Wait a minute.  I’m wrong.  I said they “think”.  But I’m not so sure that is the case.  I believe they are running and racing without thought;  just like that circle of women blindly following and allowing themselves to be controlled by Hilly Holbrook. Those women “thought” Hilly was right about “separate but equal”.  And about protecting their children from using the same bathroom as their Black nannies.  BUT they never questioned about disease being transferred to their children from saliva, for example, when kissed by those same Black nannies.  They never thought about or questioned if dangerous germs were also transferred to the children when the maid/nanny had a cold, did they?  And they never thought to ask themselves why they let one person have such sway over the lives of their families, did they?  So, like I said, thought never played a role in the decisions they made about much of anything.  One, just one, negative, nasty voice was more than enough to squelch any mindful, thoughtful approach to life.  In the land of liberty, they willingly gave up their freedom to make individual choices; their freedom to disagree with the powerful.  Sounds like the exact opposite of what the founding fathers did, doesn’t it?  They insisted on the liberty to make decisions independent of England.  They fought against the power that was England at the time.

So, I have concluded that today the race many are running is not against the evil of societal decisions that are in opposition to what the founding fathers intended.  Although I feel sure that many sincerely believe just that.  But, if you think about it, the evil Hilly railed against in The Help was not the real danger at all.  The true peril lay in the act of joining the running crowd without any consideration of or even desire to know where that crowd wanted and fully “intended” to go.  Today we have voices that are nasty, divisive, without respect for others, especially minorities.  And what a crowd apparently willing to chase after them!  But I wonder if, rather than running towards the moral, “Christian” high ground being lauded by those nasty but very loud, authoritative voices, they are not actually being chased.  And maybe by a pursuer far more dangerous than the bulls of Pamplona.  The bulls of Pamplona can only kill or harm physically.  These who are actually in pursuit of the running crowd today, all while appearing to lead the crowd, are much more destructive.  They are powerful in their knowledge of how to use fear.  It is used as a disguise for hatred, condescension, and love of power and control.  The Help, both the book and the film, illustrate this powerfully; in a way not to be missed by any reader or film viewer.  Hilly painted her hate as fear of disease and love and concern for the children to whose needs neither she nor her friends attended.   These pursuers can kill compassion and love for others, the very types of feelings that surely the founding fathers “intended”, since they were Christians.  (Everyone says they founded our country on Christian principles, right?)  Does history not abound with the resulting chaos once these identifying characteristics of a society are destroyed? 

Going back to my dream.  Maybe, just maybe it is a really good thing that it went unfinished.  This way, I can carry the image of standing very still at the intersection before deciding to continue in the direction I was going or to follow that crowd.  I didn’t see the bulls chasing the crowd. I have no doubt, however, that they were there.  And I don’t want the true life in me gored by such creatures.  Instead, I get to choose my own ending for the dream.  I think I’ll take inspiration from Skeeter and Aibileen.

PS  I am aware of criticism of The Help.  I know, for example, that the Association of Black Women Historians feel strongly that the book is not historically accurate as a portrayal of the lives and experiences of Black domestics.  However, even admitting that this organization if far better able to offer critic, I still see it as at least a basis for discussion and awareness.  I say this because the families of several friends had Black maids during their growing up years.  These are nice, compassionate, wonderful people.  They shared their reaction to the book with me.  In each and every case they were concerned about how those maids might have been treated.  To their knowledge they were treated well.  But they do wonder if there was a lack of awareness about them as people.  They all hope they, although having been just children, were kind and respectful.  But all say they just don’t remember much.

Additions To My List

 You know, I decided I wanted to continue to look back at 2011 and focus on the positive.  So I took a few minutes to jot down as many pleasant memories from last year as I could recall.  This too, was a good exercise.  It generated a list of things and/or enjoyments that are really worth remembering.  And I can say unequivocally that I am thankful for each.   Here is the list, in no particular order; just as it came to me while brainstorming.    

·         New friends:   Grazia and Bruno from Canada (originally Italy), as well as Anuzia and Carlos from Brazil.

·         Getting back to entertaining: a few small dinner parties and casual supper get-togethers, and a couple of special occasion get-togethers.  It felt good to be interested   in having friends in again.

·         Creative projects that actually kept my attention.

·         Discovering several new, really great 2^nd hand places to shop.

·         Healthcare when I really needed it, as 2011 was not my best year physically.

·         Making pasta with Trista and having it hang all over the kitchen!

·         Swimming with her at the Y.

·         Trying lots of new recipes, especially the low-fat and/or vegetarian ones.

·         Making special dinners for Allan, Trista, and Ale.

·         Finding new, super inexpensive décor items for my table settings.  (One of my favorite things to do!)

·         Having Trista and Ale’s dog Tasia still with us at well over 90, in human years.  

·         Lots of new and very interesting books to read.

·         Starting a book group with several really great women friends. 

·         My Nook Color, which I LOVE!  (And which I have now confessed to book group.)

·         Having Naazneen from India join our book group and giving us a totally new perspective.

·         Learning a lot about various Native American tribes.  I’ve really, really enjoyed that!

·         Good shows on the History and Animal Planet channels, along with some new prime time shows I’m enjoying:  Harry’s Law, Person of Interest, and Chopped.

·         Good documentaries, English shows, and movies Allan chose for us from Netflix.

·         The screened-in back porch Ale built and that is totally private.

·         The stream, birds, squirrels, Blue Heron, and badgers that I get to see while enjoying that porch.

·         Having morning coffee on the porch with the tiny brown birds and two squirrels. 

·         Spending time with Isabella, my friend Donna’s 7 year old granddaughter.    And even the opportunity to get sprinkles all over the kitchen!  Not to mention encouraging her in her reading and spelling.

·         Getting to write at times, which I have found beneficial.

·         This “new to me” laptop computer from Trista and Ale.  I can write anywhere!

·         New family traditions for Christmas Eve and February 2^nd.  (I intend to write about those.)

·         Educating myself more about hungry children worldwide and getting to do something for them. 

·         Ending the year by doing something special: having a few of my closest friends in for coffee and a light brunch New Year’s Eve morning. 

Wow!   It’s a great list, isn’ it?   An uplifting one, I’m glad to say!  I’m going to do this every once and a while! 

Thanksgiving List Revisited

January 17, 2012                 

Thanksgiving Wish List Revisited

I almost don’t know where to start.  There are SO many things I’ve been thinking about but, for a good number of reasons, have not written about. After debating with myself about a beginning point, I decided on revisiting last year’s Thanksgiving Wish List.  And what a good choice!  I had determined that I would be happy for any favorable outcome, but it was far better than I had thought would be true! 

Last year, late January or beginning of February, I shared my reflections about Thanksgiving time, 2010.  At the end of that post, I said that if I were still blogging in November 2011 I would come back and take a look at the wish list I created since I truly wanted the things enumerated to be true one year later.  Here’s that look back, along with comments on just how much of my wish list came to be.

A family that is healing.  We now at least know we are dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and specialized counseling has fairly recently been added to the regular grief counseling.  We understand that things might get worse before they get better; but I am focusing on the “get better” part.  Just hearing those words are a gift.

Friends who will tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.  Just yesterday, a friend straightforwardly and readily gave me an opinion when I said I welcomed any input about a plan I have.  It was a great help and I appreciated it.  Thankfully, that is just one example of the good friends I have. 

A new sense of purpose, clearly defined.  A week or so ago I would have categorized this wish as unfulfilled.  BUT, I’ve decided that might not really be an accurate assessment.  The other morning I was watching the sun come up.  This beautiful peachy-pink dawn was slowly peeking above the pine trees.   It occurred to me that maybe that sunrise could be a representation from nature of how I might find my way.  Maybe I’ve been expecting a “revelation” more comparable to the sudden switching on of a flood light?  But it might be that I need to slowly grow into whatever purpose for which I have been searching.  That is a refreshing idea that requires more thought

If the above is not possible, at least some strong indication, some framework or outline regarding a purpose.   I feel like some of the things I’m trying to do, such as encouraging thought on compassion, visiting some of the elderly, and encouraging younger friends are all good, in and of themselves, at least for right now.  I’m thankful enough that I don’t feel like I’m TOTALLY missing something.   I did not like that feeling.

To know someone is thankful I am on the planet, simply because s/he felt appreciated and/or encouraged by me.  Okay, this one I am excited about and it explains, at least in part, my update regarding the wish directly above.  At Easter time Allan gave a concert for the “ Keenagers”  at church.  (Just as an aside, those celebrating birthdays that month included 5 above the age of 90!  I particularly like the guy who is 95 and has always refused to use a cane, preferring to use the putter from his golf days, simply turned upside down.  You have to love it!)  The woman who was    supposed to do the devotionals had forgotten.  However, she did not hesitate.  She proceeded to share a brief thought and immediately reinforced it by reciting an appropriate poem, of fairly good length.  It was great!  The next time I saw her I stopped her to tell her that I hoped to have the opportunity to hear her speak and recite again.  Think of a child at Christmas and you’ll have her reaction.  Anyway, recently she was sitting in the pew in front of me.  She turns around, grabs my hand, and says, “There’s the woman who says such nice things to me and makes me feel so good!”  I don’t recall my response, but how sad that months after speaking with her, she was still excited by the appreciation.   It takes so little doesn’t it, really?

To do whatever I can to continue to enjoy good health, physically and mentally.  I’m doing the best I can, not only by “planned” physical exercise, but by trying to build more activity into my daily life.  I park as far away from a store as possible.  I don’t hesitate to make numerous trips up the stairs, etc.  To stay healthy mentally I try to memorize things, use my left hand for some tasks, learn new things about technology, or just whatever.  

To have enough deep, sincere concern for all children, so as to want no hungry tummies or inequality of education, as well as the provision of healthy and safe environments.  I decided to act on this and we made a specific plan on how to save more to  allot for children.  I’m very excited about it and will hopefully post a summary of the idea and give regular updates.

To love others enough that I want those I know and those I do not to have whatever health care they need, regardless of what they are or who they are.  Well, considering I have a number of friends who now have serious health issues and the corresponding costs, I can say I feel more strongly than ever about this issue

That we value maintaining relationships and worthwhile discussion enough that we have learned to agree to disagree.  Need I say anything?  

That “all or nothing” thinking represents not the norm, but rather the exception to the rule.     Again, need I say anything, other than I will keep wishing?  Maybe some day

That we experience the “givens”, which I defined as the end of our wars, more jobs, etc.   I, for one, am SO very thankful we are no longer in Iraq.  Not too long go, I saw somewhere the picture of an Iraqi mother holding the body of her 4 year old daughter.  Thankfully, for me, the little girl’s body was already wrapped in preparation for burial.  So I didn’t have to see her little face.  But I did see the mother’s face.  I kept thinking if we had already been out of the country, even by several months, that mother would not be burying her child. 

All in all, I have to say I am pleased I went through this review exercise.  How could I not be thankful? 

 P.S.  Oh, how could I have forgotten? I meant to brag about my technological skills.   (I really wanted to find a euphemism, but I guess I’ll not pretend it is anything other than bragging.  Darn!)  In the hopes my brother, the one who refers to me as “technologically challenged” reads this, I was going to disclose (brag) that I am writing this on a laptop!  And I’m not even using a mouse!    All touch pad.  (Okay, so originally I called it touch “screen” and Allan had to correct me.  Some of us just learn more slowly than others!)   Anyway, I, the person who began this blog with child-like delight at doing something with technology, no less!  (My very first blog post was entitled “Hey, Look At Me Doing Something With Technology!  Go Figure!) 

Trista and Ale got a new laptop quite a while ago and gave us this one, especially so I could be outside enjoying the new screened-in porch and the fresh air while writing.  And I will do so as soon as we get the electricity, fan, etc. complete.  In the meantime, I am learning a newer version of Word, not to mention developing better hand/eye coordination.  I am particularly proud of these accomplishments since I am a woman who never learned to tape anything on a VHS video tape recorder.   Cool, right?