I really dreaded Christmas this year. Thankfully, a loss is, in some ways, made less intensely painful by time. But a few things, like holidays, become more difficult. Not only for yourself, but as a parent it sometimes feels like you simply cannot continue to endure watching your child suffer. And you want to do anything to alleviate the hurt. I felt lost, inadequate and overwhelmed. But I wanted and needed to face up to the coming holidays.
Years ago I took a watercolor class. For one assignment we were to paint a scene so that it appeared you were looking through a camera lens that brought one object into focus while blurring the surroundings. I chose to use an arrangement of flowers, whether real or a picture, I do not remember. But I’ve always been glad that was my choice. Often enough I have looked at the painting and it reminds me of how we would best approach life. We need to see ourselves and others as part of a group; a whole which creates a beauty that makes an impact we just can’t manage on our own. Yet we also need to appreciate the distinct qualities of the individuals that surround us and are part of the group’s make up.
I somehow came to the conclusion that I needed to do the opposite of what the assignment was for that watercolor. I needed to change the "camera lens" so that the focus was on that whole. And that seemed appropriate, given the Season. So I made a plan; a plan I hoped would help me cope not only with my dread, but also somehow be a help to my family. I needed to work really hard at seeing beyond our dread of the holiday and bring others into better view. Let me give a summary of my plan along with notes in italics about how I saw that part of the plan contribute something positive.
Tell my family I wanted absolutely no gifts this year. Instead, I asked that they send the money to World Vision, or any other organization working to feed hungry children, both here and abroad. Allan and I decided to skip any gifts for each other, so we could contribute the money instead to that organization, to provide food, clean water, and other necessities for children’s survival and development. We studied the World Vision Christmas 2011 Gift Catalog. Some gifts, such as emergency food for children in Africa or urgently needed clothing, shoes, and other necessities for American children were being “multiplied” by either grants or donations from manufacturers/retailers. We made two contributions for Christmas, one of $98 and one of $219. But just wait ‘til you read what the real impact of those dollars was!
The $98 donation was two-fold in positive outcome. First, we “purchased” $98 of gifts for children in the USA, but by choosing gifts that would be multiplied, monies will actually provide $348 of food, necessities like clothing, shoes, blankets, personal care items, as well as supplies for schools in low-income neighborhoods. Secondly, we were able to request the gifts be made in honor of friends who had prayed for us when Natalia died. (Someone prayed every hour during the day beginning at 6:00 AM and ending at 10:00 PM! They did so for many weeks. They emailed us the prayer schedule so I could look at any time and see who was praying for us right then. I carried that list for months. It is most definitely the best gift I have ever received.)
We made a second contribution in memory of Natalia as her Christmas gift. We again tried to maximize the dollars. We sent $219 but those dollars translated into $1,269 of help! Our “gifts” included emergency food for Africa, medicines, immunizations, mosquito nets for one entire family, clothing, and help for children with disabilities.
These were the reasons for our choices; reasons that would touch the heart of any parent/grandparent:
Every day thousands of children die because they do not have access to basic medicines that could save their lives. Medicines like antibiotics, antiseptics, Vitamin A, oral rehydration salts, and anti-parasitic medication, to name a few.
Millions of children lose their lives each and every year to diseases that, for us, are readily preventable. They simply need vaccines for measles, whooping cough, diphtheria, hepatitis, polio, and tetanus!
The mosquito is the deadliest creature on earth. (I’m not sure I knew that?) The yearly death toll from this insect totals almost 800,000! For us Americans, preventing malaria is not cost prohibitive. But in other countries it most certainly is and parents have to watch their children suffer and die from this disease.
Literally millions of children living in developing countries are disabled and can not walk. Why? Polio, birth defects, land mines, injuries and not having proper medical attention available to them. And often these disabled children are unable to go to school. Free Wheelchair Mission evidently partners with World Vision to give wheelchairs to as many of these children as possible. And not just any wheelchairs, but custom-fit wheelchairs!
We decided to begin an ongoing project to save money for future contributions to provide food, clean water and other necessities basic and crucial for the survival of children. For example, we chose to send Christmas cards to only a few people, such as elderly family and friends we see very infrequently, etc. The money we would have spent on cards and stamps was added to our “fund”. In addition we determined to save two other ways. We would save the difference between a sale price and original price of a purchase. And we would forego some things we wanted or planned to do, setting those dollars aside for the “fund”. We began to record our savings in a $0.10 spiral bound notebook.
It has been such fun to see how extremely quickly our savings are adding up! (Allan qualifies for all those senior discounts and that really increases our savings!) By the end of December, after making the contributions mentioned above, we saved an additional $104.15!! That represented only about 6 days of purchases and one activity costing $18 that I decided to give up. Now, of course, that does include the minimal Christmas shopping we did. We bought only two things that were not on sale. And 10% was the smallest percentage discount we received.
Okay, I have to tell you, I find that pretty exciting. We began our full year effort on January 1st, of course. Right now the plan is to send the money at the end of each month. We think it should be sent as soon and as often as possible. After all, this truly is a matter of life and death. And so very few things are. We just get all upset as if other things were.
Go and see some of our older friends who we see aging and declining somewhat; some rather quickly. Knowing I would rather take the easy way out and stay home as much as possible, I committed myself to doing so. I asked permission to come visit with them before Christmas.
It takes so little to thrill older people. Just knowing people, younger than they, wanted to spend time with them seemed to give them a real boost. We shared stories from when we were all younger. We laughed. We shared cookies. We listened to anything they might like to tell us. They were so appreciative. I felt guilty. I’m afraid it helped me more than it could have done for them. But if they were happy, I guess that was the goal. We’ve already received a thank you note and some recipes in the mail!
Go and see as many others as we could, although I had not committed to visit them. These were widows whom we had invited into our home, but never been in theirs. I had to work at not letting it depress me. They lived in subsidized housing. The apartments were one floor, brick, well laid out as a neighborhood and VERY well maintained. But, inside, the apartments were oh, so small! The kitchen was, at most 7 feet wide and just deep enough for one person to “be” in. The living/dining area where we visited was, according to Allan, perhaps 10 feet by 12 feet. Let me just put it this way. I could have reached across the room to hand something to the person opposite me by simply scooting forward just a little bit on the couch. B… told us she can pay $400 a month but some of her friends can only afford $80 a month. These are women ranging in age from 80 to mid-80’s. Our world did not offer too many of them an opportunity to get an advanced education, much less full time employment for any extended period of time. I can now speak out with some frame of reference. I want us to help the elderly by providing housing they can afford. But I also want us to provide housing that doesn’t feel like a box. Giving them a little room to invite one another in for lunch or coffee would add a lot to their quality of life. As Allan said, he would hate to be in one of those little apartments, really just hanging on, sitting and waiting to die. There would be no room for any hobby or for inviting your grown children or grandchildren to bring dinner and come to your house. I can’t help but ask if, when the floor plans were developed, did anyone go into a space the size being allotted for each apartment and stay there for even a few hours? If they had, I do not comprehend how they would have built them so extremely small.
But, having gotten that out of my system, let me tell you they were all so thrilled! Absolutely thrilled. It was sad to see how excited and pleased they were.
Plan to keep everything simple and low key. For Christmas Eve we had soup and tacos. I’ll write separately about that and show some pictures. For Christmas dinner I prepared Chicken Marsala. While I prepared the chicken, Trista made the “dough” for gnocchi. She moved on to putting a salad together and handed the gnocchi off to Allan and Ale. Their job was to roll the dough, cut pieces the length Trista wanted, and make indentations with a fork so that the gnocchi would hold the butter and parmesan we intended to add.
Of course it was a great thing for all of us to be involved with the meal. It was fun to be working together. It was good to have the meal also be a “project” which took our time and energy. It was fun to see Allan and Ale rolling dough and being part-time chefs. AND, it was a good meal! Left over cake and ice cream worked fine for dessert later on.
So how did it all work out? For me it was supposed to be a Christmas without gifts. That’s what I wanted. But changing lenses was actually a gift! It was a wonderful illustration and proof of life’s equation: Giving = Receiving. Period.
You are brilliant and inspiring.
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