Journal

It took me a while; a good long while, but I realized it in the last week or so. I think I enjoy the blogging world.  I’m not a Facebook aficionada nor do I follow any Twitter site.  Facebook visually overwhelms me.  And I do not want to know everybody that everyone else knows so that I end up with hundreds of “friends”.  I don’t want that to sound like a criticism; it is not.  Those are just straightforward reasons I personally do not enjoy that very popular form of social media.  My family not only use Facebook, but appreciate it as a means of staying in touch with friends and family; of sharing a laugh, whatever.   

And, now I have even less incentive to give that communication form a try.  Allan has learned the disturbing life views of at least one friend, as well as a number of people we know, based on their Facebook posts as a result of the presidential election.  Regardless of one’s political opinion we consider racism paraded as patriotism to be unacceptable. Totally.  As if that were not disappointing enough, the horrific loss at Newtown brought to light the outright disdain these same people have for anyone who believes it appropriate to rethink/discuss parts of our gun laws.  Regrettably, the conversations between those Facebook users left no uncertainty about that.  I was shocked, truly shocked, at just how vehement they were in their dislike for and condescension of those of us who are of the opinion that child safety has to come first, even at the expense of high capacity magazines.  I do not get the impression that agreeing to disagree is an option.  I find that sad and discouraging.  I decided that Facebook is the perfect name; it is a social media that can show the face behind the appearance.   It’s just that I don’t want to see such ugly faces when I thought friendliness and kindness depicted them as beautiful.  And it is like a “tell all” book for some to openly expose to suspicion anyone or any attitude with which they disagree; to feed the idea that finding a way between two extremes is a disloyal and traitorous suggestion.          

So, what about the blogging, you ask?  Well, I find blogging (the minimal I do and read) to be more personal.  Different from Facebook, you “connect” with individuals, not lots of people at once; you share what is important to you, without having to sift through so much other stuff.  That is what I like but also what I am afraid of.  Since adding a few blogs to my reading as a result of trying to slow down and work less, I am thinking about doing a profile. 

But I write about what I am thinking.  The whole purpose of beginning this blog was to use it as a form of therapy, a way of organizing my thoughts that had come to resemble one of our neighbor’s garage; jam packed, literally, from side to side, front to back, and almost top to bottom.  To access anything they must open the garage door, begin to put stuff on the driveway and front lawn until they reach what is wanted.  (This is not to berate our neighbors.   Admittedly this would drive me crazy, but since it does not seem to bother then, I am fine with however they choose to live; however they choose to store belongings.  It’s just that the chaos that is their garage is such an apt description of how grief impacts one’s intellectual abilities for a while.  Also, I like the analogy because I think everyone might either have such a garage, or knows someone who has too much stuff accumulated in too small a space.)

It was normal, I was told. From my own personal experience, I now think grief can act as an acid corroding the memory so it cannot retrieve stored information.  It can be the catalyst for a chemical reaction that alters the brain’s normal ability to process thoughts.  Imagine our neighbors, having a generator somewhere in their garage.  A storm that had been termed a milder tropical storm strenghtened rapidly into a category 2 hurricane and meteorologists are warning it has the potential of becoming a category 3.  It’s been cloudy and raining all day.  That, coupled with the fact that it is an October evening, makes 7:30 PM dark.  The lights are beginning to flicker.   Our neighbors have to open their garage door and begin tearing it apart in search of their generator.  (Again, that is not criticism.  It’s just how they are.  It is, I assure you, not hyperbole.) 

There you have an idea of just how dysfunctional the loss of a child can render a person.  A concrete example; a very capable woman who lost her daughter 7 years ago after a long and very debilitating illness recently told me she recalls the day she was able to remember a frequently called phone number.  She was relieved, she told me.  It gave her a very small amount of hope that maybe she would begin to be able to do tasks that are habitual to all of us, those that normally require little or no thought.     

Unless I do not understand, if I do a profile people can link to it from other blogs.  So I run the risk of having someone seeing a post and thinking I am writing about political and/or religious issues per se.  From my perspective and purpose I am trying to figure out how we humans can care so little about others.  As I said several years ago, perhaps very early on, I want to see /believe we remain diligent regarding how our thinking and living make us more or less sensitive to how much help we can be to one another; not to mention how much our lives are enriched in that way.

 I want to believe that we will not put ideology above all else.  I see things in the political realm that, to my way of thinking, should be anything but a political issue.  I see lots of ways we Christians are the personification of hypocrisy, selfishness and almost unmatched arrogance.  And we can be right down mean.   If we don’t stand up against that, how will we be ready to be a support and encouragement to others when they most need it?  And even if we manage to when it “counts”, won’t that simply reinforce our hypocrisy?  And if so, how is that any real help? 

Could we blame someone to whom we are trying to be compassionate if s/he/they view it skeptically?  Could we blame them if they see themselves as our opportunity to show just how Christian we are?  And people should not have to feel they are a “show and tell” instance of Christian goodwill.  They should experience wholehearted sincerity.  That’s what we received and what I want for others going through whatever tragedy.    

Maybe I could somehow offer a profile that could express all this?  The thought struck me the other day that this could be a journal I leave behind for Trista.  Maybe if I put that in my profile; make clear just how personal my blog is, that would discourage devoted haters of any idea differing from their own from bothering to comment?  I’ll have to give it all some thought. 

In the meantime I am going to write about some perfect little human beings.  And I do mean perfect!!