This I'm going to call my "Disclaimer". Keep reading. I'll get to that part eventually. I mention it here only so a reader can recognize it and see it is important to me when I get there....Now, the real blog:
A blog. Me. Can't believe it. I really don't like to write very much. But here I am. So why? Several reasons, I guess.
First and foremost, I have to thank my cousin Tom's son, Eric. He is taking a circuitous route to Denver, Colorado. He stopped and spent a night with us. We could not have enjoyed it more. Great conversation. Before he left that Friday morning he said I needed "to get that out", referring to all that we had discussed and I had indicated confused me. I had written some things in the last few years to a few close friends via email and found I always felt better. So I decided Eric was right and that this might be good therapy.
Secondly, I am a wimp, capital "W". I hate conflict and controversy. So I'm going to write my questions and thoughts; express my confusion. Say what I would if I could talk to someone without concern s/he would get passionately aggravated because we don't agree. If I wouldn't have to be concerned that a relationship would be damaged. I told my friend Donna that I might not even tell anyone I'm doing this; that I just knew some of what I have to say would be taken as political. EVERYTHING seems to be viewed through the political lens these days. Seems to me, anyway. And for me, it really isn't. It's actually anti-politics. It's a response to the world around me and a yearning. Yearning for what, exactly, I don't know yet. (I'll explain that next.) Donna responded that if anyone REALLY knew me, s/he would know it was just that, responding and thinking (out loud, so to speak). Donna, very true and wonderful friend that she is, was really quite indignant to think anyone wouldn't understand that this is what I do, try to understand things. I want to understand. I need to understand. If things make no sense to me, they drive me crazy.
Another reason, I'm trying to figure out how to live out the remainder of my life. Our family suffered a tragedy last year. I'm trying to figure out what purpose there could be for me to be here. Why did God take our baby granddaughter Natalia and leave me? When she died, I already had 60 years. And I would have willingly given my life so my daughter and son-in-law could have their baby. I'm totally convinced I'm here for a reason. No idea what that could be. But I'm still convinced there's a reason. Maybe writing out my observations about the world will help me find the answer. Who knows. If not, as I said, it seems to comfort me. I feel better after I write and express myself.
Only one other reason I can think of that I'm starting a blog. Once you've held a dead child, life is altered. Period. Once you've held that child's ashes, life is altered. Once you've experienced kindness and compassion to the degree our family did, life is altered. So how could I expect most people to understand why I view things as I do? I don't. Thank God I could expect that most would not. I think I'm unsettled and fearful that if politics doesn't stop being an idol; if we don't denounce the hate-filled voices, we won't want to reach out to others when they most need it. Not unless they agree with us, anyway. And I'm yearning for a world where a world view different from our own doesn't equate to disdain. I want to appreciate that everyone has a different "story". I'm yearning for a world where we're willing to examine what we think and change our minds. A world where we are more than willing to say "Great idea!" to someone else. A world where we are all happy to see our balloons rise together, so to speak. I'm yearning for a world where everyone who needs compassion and kindness and consideration (like we experienced) will get it. And it will be heartfelt.
So I'm going to journal how life looks to me. It will be a real struggle. And I won't do it well. (Certainly not punctuation. I HATE punctuation. Always have.) Not even going to try. Not the point. But, if nothing else, it will be a legacy to my child, my Trista.
Back to the disclaimer part. You can probably guess. This blog is a journal. I don't want to know if anyone disagrees with me. Respectfully, it won't help me. At least not at this point in my journey. (And maybe I can ask my brother if there is a way to request no comments.)
And so it begins. Don't know for how long. We'll see.
I just read from the first post at the top of the page down to this one, and I do so hope you'll permit us to comment from time to time. The conversation can be vitally important in this fractious time, don't you think? If you like, you can moderate the comments, approve only the ones you want. You can also set up comments in a way that cuts the spammers out of the picture, for the most part.
ReplyDeleteI am grateful to have found you, through Paul's blog, which I have followed almost as long as I've been blogging myself. You are a good writer. I appreciate how clear your writing is, that it seems to come directly from your heart. It doesn't hurt, either, that it is entertaining--in a good way, not in any off sort of way.
I particularly love this: "I want to appreciate that everyone has a different 'story'," and "I'm yearning for a world where ... we are all happy to see our balloons rise together." Wonderful imagery.
Your discussion of politics/no politics reminds me of a book title from the 70s, Robin Morgan's The Personal is Political. It helped me understand, way back then, that every voice is important, every view point has merit, even mine. The tough part is finding a way to communicate with one another and find common ground.
Good luck with your blog. I hope it proves fruitful and becomes a source of joy in your life.
Wow. Welcome to the bloggosphere! I, too, just read backwards to here: You may not enjoy doing it, but you write clearly and well, and I'm really looking forward to hearing more. Thanks for sharing your thinking.
ReplyDeleteI am not Christian and I will admit that I tend to avoid Christian commentators/blogs - usually, it seems, for the same reason you do! What a shock that is to me! I'm not patient with people who put themselves in the judgement business and pride themselves on being intolerant - and yeah, I try to think of a nice way to respond, and struggle to turn the conversation w/o adding to the problem by agreeing. I try to be patient, but I'm not very good at it. It's nice to find similarities 'across the aisle' and realize that those talking loudest don't necessarily represent everyone.