I Don't Know Much.....

Written recently, not the day of posting.

Note:  I am somewhat concerned that this blog post might sound “preachy”, simply because of its nature.  I hope not.  I’m just reflecting on the kinds of things I would have liked to leave as a legacy to Natalia, given moment by moment over the years.  The things I would have wanted her to say she talked about with her grandma. 

I turn 62 today.  How that is remotely possible, I have no idea.  Years ago when older friends began to retire it really upset me.  How could we have friends who were eligible for retirement?  I thought that was bad…?

Anyway, I woke up thinking about how much I don’t know.  All the big answers I would like to have, I do not.  No wisdom whatsoever.  But then again, I’m probably still too young…  I can, however, think about what I’ve learned; what I have found valuable; things I could share with someone even younger than I.  Things I would share with Natalia, given the opportunity.  Things that I honestly think would help her through life; that would enrich her life tremendously.  I would like that because there is much that impoverishes life.  So, here I go.  I won’t bother to try and put my list in any order of significance.  I don’t have the wisdom for that.  I’ll just start talking.  You should be used to that!

§       I try and count 5 fruits and vegetables a day, etc, etc.  But, for me psychological diet is equally important, maybe more so.   What I expose myself to both strengthens something good in me and makes me more than I am or becomes an infection, a poison that is extremely unhealthy for me and difficult to “treat”.   I need to be careful about the people with whom I associate, what I listen to, what I read, and what kind of thinking to which I subject myself.  They all have the potential to give life or rob my life in some way.

§       Hate is particularly dangerous.  If cancer were a living, breathing, thinking entity, I think it would be extremely jealous of how rapidly hate spreads.

§       Courtesy works great.  At least 99.99% of the time.  It helps me if I ignore the rare occasions on which it doesn’t.

§       “A soft answer turns away anger.”  That’s actually from the book of Proverbs.  But I’ve found it to be one of the most invaluable things to have in my “everyday toolbox”.

§       I’ve liked trying to learn something from everyone, even if s/he is one of those abrasive personalities.  Sadly, from a very few, I’ve learned only what I DON’T want to be like.

§       I’ve made mistakes.  Big ones.  The ones made by giving people the benefit of the doubt, by reaching out, by not thinking about “my” whatever are totally okay with me.  They may have turned out to technically be mistakes.  But they were never wrong.

§       Forgiveness feels good!  It is most definitely a choice.  It takes real effort and determination to succeed.  No different from a commitment to work out physically.  And the health benefits are the same, to my way of thinking.  And I found practice makes it easier and easier.

§       At some point in time I realized that I should consider any criticism as having a kernel of truth.  Maybe one I did not like at all.  But considering that possibility has always been beneficial in the end.

§       What I call “self-advertising” is the opposite of the self-fulfilling prophecy.  People might respond to advertising in print, or on the radio and television.  Not so much otherwise.  What you claim is ignored and even rejected, based on evidence.  An example?  The other day I was driving behind a large blue car with something written across the back bumper.  In black permanent marker, I guess.  “Jesus is my Lord and Savior.”  That’s what it said.  Although I might personally agree with him, I found it ridiculous and off-putting.  My first reaction?  Wonder what the co-workers and people who know him would say?  Maybe they would say yes, his life is evidence of his belief.  But, at least from my perspective, if he is one of those who is spending a lot of time hating Muslims, and not wanting to send aid to Haiti, I wouldn’t see too much similarity between him and his Lord and Savior.  If I feel that way, I imagine that people who don’t agree with his religious views really find his “self-advertising” obnoxious.  I don’t think I’ll bother with the self-advertising route.  I want to focus on producing substantial evidence.  That is hard work and leaves no time for “self-advertising”.

§       I do not regret any time I have stood up for what is right.  Even the times I “paid a price” for that stand.  I can say I would take exactly the same stand again, knowing the consequences.  I do, however, regret any opportunities to stand up for what was right and failed to do so. 

§       People need recognition and encouragement.  Years ago, after mentally admiring the outfit of a woman I was passing, I wondered how often I thought something good but failed to say it?  Did I do that even with people I knew?  So I decided that I would try to express as many positive observations as possible, strangers or not.  What I discovered was almost incredible.  The transformation in people continues to amaze me.  First, they are totally taken by surprise.  Next, their faces brighten with genuine smiles.  They straighten their posture.  Amazing, is all I can say.  Let me give an example here also.  I can’t resist.  Yesterday I was in Home Goods.  At the end of an aisle I passed a cart filled with things obviously to be used for kitchen décor.  The collection was great!  I had to pass it a second time a few minutes later.  The cart’s “owner” had returned and was apparently trying to choose between two different colors of the same casserole dish to add to the cart.  I quite stupidly (Okay, not quite stupidly, but very stupidly.) asked if the things in the cart were hers.  She looked very wary and cautiously said yes, they were.  I didn’t know if she was cautious because she just happened to be Black and I am not.  Or if she was unaccustomed to strange, pathetically stupid women starting a conversation or what.  (Allan has tried to remind me that these days things can be taken as types of pick up lines.  I always forget.  Realistically, I doubt it would stop me, even if I did remember.)  Anyway, you must now know how she responded when I told her that the collection of items worked really well together and I thought she was good at what she was doing.  Without exaggeration, as I was walking away, she didn’t laugh out loud.  I would call it an excited giggle.  I hope it was exactly what she needed to make living her life yesterday a little lighter.

§       Although I have never studied Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, I have borrowed his term.  Poor man!  He might be devastated.  He would need to remember that I am not using it in reference to physics.  But when the minor irritations in life happen, I try (and often fail) to put it in relative terms.  In relation to the big picture of things, is this really of importance?  Is this really urgent, relatively speaking?  That helped a lot when working with teenagers for a lot of years, let me tell you!  They taught me this.  I learned the hard way, of course. 

§       I detest the term “Self-Made Man”.  Truly detest it.  I hate it mostly because it very much goes against my religious beliefs.  But let me phrase it in non-religious terms.  Because even in those terms it is a ridiculous and arrogant assertion.  I defy anyone, anyone who is truthful that is, to say s/he never had any help or encouragement along the way.  There was never a time of discouragement when someone boosted him/her up, even the smallest amount?  Or can most “self-made men/women” claim credit for having been born in a country rich in educational opportunities?  Or for having a natural ability in business or music or athletics, or whatever?  Or for having good health to pursue goals?  No, they cannot.  Period.  This life philosophy results in emotional isolation and is like thievery.  It isolates individuals from the help, the sympathy, the compassion, they might receive from others when they most need it.   And when they need it might happen after they have “made” themselves such a success.  It robs them of true and loving friends.  That is just so sad.  Especially if they never realize their loss.  That has certainly been my observation.

§       There is always someone “more” than I am.  And that is okay.   Forgive me, but another Biblical principle works here, used in a non-traditional way, I guess.  “And the truth shall set you free.”   Strangely enough, the truth that there is always someone better at something than I am, someone much smarter, someone more talented, someone better looking, someone with just more of everything is a truth that makes my life more!  It gives me the freedom to look at that person as just someone who might need a friend.  As someone who sometimes or maybe often wishes s/he weren’t so special.  Someone who wishes s/he didn’t have to live up to expectations.  As someone who might want to be more like the rest of us.  I can not only enjoy these people but also cheer them on, all of which adds depth to my life.   I would call it a win-win situation.  Those are my favorite kind of situations in life, the win-win ones. 

As usual, once I get started I can’t stop thinking of more and more things.  But honestly, when I review this list of things I would like to have shared with Natalia, they all seem important.  Just one more.  I promise.  Since this is a birthday blog, let me end with a “gift” analogy.

§       It has helped me to view people as a gift.  It goes without saying that with some people I’ve met the gift has been pretty well hidden.  I’ve had to work really, really hard at seeing their possibilities; at seeing them as possible gifts.  However, it is very much like looking back and thinking about some actual gifts I’ve received.  I didn’t enjoy all of them equally.  But, at the very least, most represented a sincere reaching out on the part of the giver.  Let me explain it another way also.  Some gifts I received were found after opening one box inside another, maybe after opening several boxes all inside another.  But I found the gift eventually.  I just had to dig.  Let me keep the gift analogy going for a minute.  Some gifts I’ve received were beautifully and artistically wrapped.  Some were given to me in a brown paper bag.  Some were expensive and some not.  Interestingly enough, that is all I remember.  That there have been a variety of wrappings.  I don’t recall the exact way my favorite and most special gifts were wrapped.  I just remember the gifts themselves.  In contrast, I do remember the “wrapping”, the packaging of people in my life.  However, I have found no correlation whatsoever between that outer “wrapping” and the value of the gift the person represented in my life.  One of my favorites was quite severely scarred from a gas grill explosion.  Another certainly would not ever have qualified to be a handsome, macho Hollywood leading man.  Another wonderful female friend had no education compared to mine.  Technically she was clerical/support staff.  I was not.  But a better, more loving, more supportive, more fun friend I could not have found.  Her death came unexpectedly at exactly the same time I was at the florist having flowers sent to the hospital because she was there for testing.  I don’t ever remember sobbing over the death of any friend like I did hers.  Although it has been years I still often think of Jeannette and miss her.  And from the perspective of some we “shouldn’t” have been the kind of friends we were.  They missed out on the gift Jeannette was. 

Okay, okay, I know.  Enough of the reflective, serious stuff.  Want to know several of the gifts that have been some of my favorite birthday gifts? 

One is a plastic nail polish drying “machine” made by Conair that Allan gave to me, I don’t remember how long ago.  Its small size makes it extremely portable. But the fan is powerful enough to do a good drying job.  Invaluable.   I can paint my nails at the last minute, of course, because there is rarely time otherwise and dry them on the way to wherever we are going.  Come to think of it, I should wonder if he bought it partly for himself?  (We can leave when he wants!)  I’ll ask. 

 Two chairs for my dining room set are a second favorite gift.  Trista purchased them at Salvation Army a number of years ago.  They were brand new, donated by some furniture company.  They DON’T match, which I like.  In every aspect, they are perfect. 

A third gift, a pedometer sent to me as a surprise by my brother and sister-in-law for my sixtieth birthday.  I’ve used it to see how many of the 10,000 steps a day I don’t take.  I’ve used it to make sure I do walk the 10,000.  I’ve used it with family visiting from Western New York.  They liked it while we were out walking.  And Trista has borrowed it. 

And the last I’ll mention.  One of my favorite kinds of cakes is German Chocolate.  Homemade, of course.  And they are a lot of work compared to a cake mix.  Years ago my sister made me one as a birthday gift.   I knew what work it was.  So the afternoon she spent making that cake made the gift extra special. 

I’ve had some pretty good birthdays, haven’t I?