Response to "Verbal First Aid"

My brother has a blog and recently wrote about attending a presentation on verbal first aid.  The presentation was evidently given by a Dr. Judith Prager, co-author of the book The Worst Is Over: What To Say When Every Moment Counts.  A really interesting post regarding research about “the rapid dramatic physical improvement experienced by accident victims who heard healing words….”!  I encourage you to read it for yourself.  The title is "Verbal First Aid" and it was posted October 1st.  You'll find his blog at http://noaz.blogspot.com.   (This brother is a computer expert.  Me?  Well…no so much.  So I do hope he is impressed that I am putting a link in this post.  Never done that before!  And I figured it out all on my own!)  Anyway, I wrote a brief response but wanted to share the following with him, as it relates so very well.  But it was simply too long as a comment, so I share it here. 

Years ago we took a course on what to say to/do for people who are experiencing a tragedy.  The course was by Dr. Norman Wright.  I do not recall the title.  But it was excellent. 

Some things we learned? 

1)  People, when in shock (and it may not be apparent that a person is in that state) might not even remember others coming to be with them. So don't be offended if you have gone to someone immediately upon hearing of a tragedy and s/he does not, later on, remember your presence.

2)  Don't ask a person what you can do for him/her.  S/he can't think.  Instead, be very specific.  "I am going to bring dinner for you on Tuesday night.  I will prepare something you can freeze so that if you already have food, what I bring will be a help to you later on."

3)  Put it on your calendar to send a note, call or visit a person on an "anniversary date", whether that be 3 months or 6 months after a tragedy; just whatever.  In particular, do so at the one year mark.  Evidently people can think they are slowly beginning to recover, but an "anniversary" like the first can take them totally by surprise because it is almost  a replay of the day tragedy struck.  So not only do they re-live the tragedy, but they are totally unsettled by the strength and depth of their response to the date.

(I can tell you from personal experience that remembering means so much to people.  This year a friend of my daughter's gave a gift to a charity for children  in memory of our little granddaughter's birthday.  My daughter was so touched.  She has never appreciated a gift any more than she did that one.) 

4)     Don't worry that you don’t know what to say.  You do not have to say anything!  The truly important thing?  Just knowing you care about what s/he is going through.  If the person gets upset and cries, let him/her.  It is healing.  If s/he wants to talk about the loved one, or what happened, just listen.  You don't (and can't anyway) say anything that will help.  But listening intently is a gift to the hurting person. 

It is my sincere wish that no one needs to use any of what is on my brother’s blog or in this post.